I feel bloated and uncomfortable and my weight is at a scary high. I'm afraid that I won't be able to get it back down, that I will be humiliated in front of my TOPS group. A year ago I was celebrating receiving an award for losing the most weight of all the women in NY State who reached their goal in TOPS in 2008. Now I'm in danger of losing my KOPS (Keep Off Pounds Sensibly) status. Sometimes I wish it would just happen and be done.
I've heard that most of the things we fear never come to pass. I thought that after last week when I was more than 3 pounds above my goal I would be able to be more disciplined. I did much better last week but it seems my weight is up again. I thought I was having a pretty good week but I guess I'm fooling myself. I will probably have to do the thing I dislike and write down what I eat for a week. In the past I've had to get out the measuring cups and reacquaint myself with portion sizes. It's amazing how that half cup of yogurt can gradually become three-quarters of a cup. I need to get back to leaner dinners too. The exercise is not the issue it's the food. I've come so far and encouraged so many people I feel like I'd be letting people down and most of all I'd be letting myself down.
The other danger is that a result of discouragement and embarrassment would be that I drop out of TOPS and that I would gain the weight back. Several people have found themselves in the position of being up a few extra pounds and have lost their honored KOPS status but continue to attend meetings. If they can do it I can too. I know that they will still love me but can I accept myself. Too many people lose and regain large amounts of weight. I absolutely do not want this to be my story. Food needs to be a healthy part of my life not the unhealthy focus it is becoming once again. I have to trust that I can get back to where I want to be.
Raising my goal 5 pounds was necessary because it was just too hard to maintain my original goal in the less active winter months. The last 2 winters have proved that. But to raise my goal again would only give me permission to eat and gain more. I have to stop this now. As Susan Powter says, "Stop the insanity!"
For readers who do not share my spiritual beliefs the following thoughts may seem bizarre. I believe in spiritual battles. Satan is the author of evil and wants to beat down and destroy people. He knows that once a person has accepted Jesus as their saviour that he cannot keep them from heaven. However, he does have limited power to tempt Christians and to make life difficult, even miserable. Satan can't stand it that God has gotten a hold of my heart and given me the strength to turn my life around and lose 120 pounds. I have been able to share my story about the goodness of God and inspire hope in others. Satan does not want others to hear this message. He could really destroy my confidence and my opportunity to reach out to others by drawing me back into addictive behaviors with food. It is up to me to decide whether food or God's will is more important to me. I know God will love me no matter what but I also know that He has something better for me than returning to my highest weight.
Like any loving parent God does allow His children to suffer pain at times. Difficulties make us stronger and turn our hearts back to the One who loves us and wants what best for us. Sometimes we run away like defiant children but our Heavenly Father lovingly restores us when we are ready to let Him.
Recently I read the scripture from Luke 22:31 in which Jesus tells Peter, "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat." Jesus follows with, "But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back strengthen your brothers." I sensed that God was warning me that this would happen to me. At first I was scared that something really bad would happen but then it occurred to me that I would be tested in the area of weight. Simon Peter needed to base his ministry on God's strength and not his own. He was confident in the things he had done in the past like walking on water but that was not enough on which to base a life and a ministry. Peter went on to win many souls for Christ and live mightily for God. I desire to reach out to many for God too and I know that I need to learn that it is God's strength and not my own that sustains me. I cling to that knowledge as I walk this difficult journey. The valley is low and I am in it. I need God to pick me up and see me through. When I came to the end of myself in the past I ended up finding the strength to lose the weight. I have to trust that the ability to get through this trial will come through the Father who loves me but the struggle is still difficult and painful. God is faithful and I put my trust in Him. Tomorrow is a new day and I will wake with the hope that I will be better for God in this area then I have been today. To God be the glory.
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