The birth of a blog

I just typed my heart out and managed to lose my thoughts in cyberspace, or at least I think I did. They're probably hanging out with all the songs I accidently erased from my iPod.

I was writing about my recent discouragement with weight loss. I have lost 120 pounds and maintained a healthy weight for almost 2 years but I am struggling. When I turned to the very stories I thought would inspire me I felt even more frustrated. It seems that those success stories put mine to shame. They are stories of women who have lost more weight, acheived a smaller size, work out longer, lift more weight, run faster and farther, and eat fewer calories than I do; and some of them are older than I am.

I do eat healthfully most of the time but sometimes I eat more healthy food than I am hungry for just because it's on my plate or in my bowl. Or maybe I just want to eat rather than busy myself with other things because it's easier. I eat a lot of vegetables because it satisfies my need to eat a lot while helping me to maintain my weight. So I could weigh less but I don't think I could stick with it. I might even end up totally blowing it by going off the deep end, into a bucket of popcorn perhaps, because my unrealistic expectations set me up for failure.

Sometimes I feel like I've got the problem licked. I get cocky, eat too much, and find myself out of my leeway (more than 3 pounds above goal in TOPS/Take Off Pounds Sensibly). Thank God for TOPS or I would be well on my way to gaining back what I have lost. It's hard enough to get a few pounds off I never want to have to face over 100 pounds of excess weight again.

It's important that I say this is not about looking like I did before. Certainly I don't want to go back to my highest weight, but more than anything else it's the feeling of despair and hopelessness that I don't want to experience again. Once I began living the healthy lifestyle that got me to goal I felt every bit as good as I did when I reached my goal because I no longer felt hopeless.

I think of how Paul asked God to take away the thorn and God said, "My grace is sufficient for you" 2 Corinthians 12:9. I realize that if I didn't have this struggle with food anymore than I wouldn't be able to help other people who struggle. I'd think I had it all together and would judge people for not having it all together too. That would not be helpful to anyone. And so it is a good thing that I can still relate very well to struggling with food.

Let me share a low moment with you. I remember once longing to eat the cream cheese frosting that lay in a discarded container that had once held a piece of carrot cake. My son had hoped to spare me the temptation by quickly polishing off the cake but then I discovered the clear container of frosting at the top of the garbage can. Now I know there are people that are utterly repulsed by the thought that anyone would remove a container from the garbage and eat from it, rest assured I did not do it. But I felt vindicated when I saw a clip from Seinfeld in which George Castanza was caught eating an eclair he had retrieved from the garbage can. In his defense he pointed out that it was only laying on some discarded magazines. So there are others out there that can relate to disordered thinking as it applies to food.

One thing that helps me when I feel inferior is this thought from Galatians 6:4 MSG: "Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that...Don't compare yourself with others." So it really isn't about what someone else achieves it's about doing the best that I can do. If only walking that truth out came as easily as the saying of it does.

The other thing that would help me is to actually talk to other people who are struggling with the same thoughts and are willing to be honest. I am often encouraged by others that know my story. Many people say that I have inspired them. I suppose many people would think I'm silly for having these thoughts but perhaps there is someone out there who can relate and needs to know that he or she is not alone.

If you are reading this and thinking that if you could only be a certain size or a certain weight then you would be happy please don't put your life on hold any longer. As you can see from what I've written, all my problems didn't magically disappear when I reached that magic number. Eventually I began to feel the number wasn't low enough but in fact it turned out to be too low for me to realistically maintain and I raised my goal 5 pounds.

I like how Dr. Ben Lerner puts it in his book "Body By God". He says you don't have to have it all figured out in one day. Just strive to be one percent better for God every day. In Philippians 3: 13-14 Paul says, "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. So in God's word he says we must strain and press on. Those are words that indicate effort. It isn't going to be easy but we are getting a wonderful prize at the end. The prize will far outweigh the struggle and so I press on and hope that I can encourage others along the way.