I am continuing to ponder how to use my blessings to help others. A dear friend is preparing to go with her family on a two year mission aboard the Mercy Ship. The ship provides medical care and performs surgery for people along the coast of Africa. Although I do not feel called at this time to such a mission I very much want to make a difference in this world. The primary aim of the Mercy Ship is to share the life changing message of the gospel by first meeting the physical needs of the people whom the ship staff serves.
I have thought about the fact that by reaching out to Americans through the salvation message and teachings from God's word I might reach people who God has purposed for missions. Christians who have been blessed with material wealth through their ministries have also been able to fund outreaches in other countries. This would, of course, be a long term goal as I would have to establish a ministry first. That is if my heart is God's heart and I am not missing Him with the thoughts I have.
I am starting by doing in depth study in God's word and have begun to teach Sunday school. It is through my weight loss that I have gained the confidence to speak and teach and I believe maintaining good health is key to opening doors in ministry. It's exciting to think God would use me to reach others for Christ. I just hope that I can be obedient to His leading and walk in the things He has planned for me.
I want to follow God's road map for my life and not design my own. It is possible for a Christian to be deceived into thinking she is on the right path when, in fact, she is not. My hope is that as I become more knowledge about God's word through the direction and protection of the Holy Spirit I will be guarding against the deceit of the enemy.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Dreaming
Last night was my TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly) meeting. I had a small loss which was a relief since Sunday (check out that day's entry) I had a scale scare and thought I was out of my leeway (more than 3 pounds above goal).
I think I mentioned in a previous post having feelings of guilt because I am struggling with being overweight and eating too much food when there are many people in this world who do not have enough food. By middle class America's standards I may not have a lot but I know that in comparison to many people I have an abundance. I think it was Chip Ingram who said that people who own their home are among only 5 percent of the world's population and even if that home doesn't seem grand it still makes the homeowner rich by the rest of the world's standards.
Joyce Meyer just wrote a book titled "Eat the Cookie...Buy the Shoes: giving yourself permission to lighten up". I discovered the promo on her website and the accompanying scripture from Ecclesiastes 3:12-13. "I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil-this is the gift of God." Pehaps it was providential that I saw Joyce's message when I have been struggling with this issue.
My feelings of guilt do not serve me or anyone else well. Sitting around having a pity party for myself does not feed the hungry. Nor does feeling guilty for having several bibles in my home when people risk their freedom and even their lives to have or give a bible.
I googled "With great priviledge comes great responsibility" and found many references to that statement. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "With freedom comes responsibility." As an American Christian I enjoy many freedoms and it is indeed a priviledge.
Jesus tells The Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25:14-30.
"Again, (the kingdom of heaven) will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his property to them. To one he gave five talents of money, to another, two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. The man who had received the five talents went at once and put his money to work and gained five more. So also, the one with the two talents gained two more. But the man who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master's money...."(Matt 25:14-18)
Notice that the talents were given according to each servant's ability. God does not ask more of us than we can handle. God gives us plenty of time to use the talents he has given us.
"After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them..." (v. 19) The two servants who had invested wisely were acknowledged as good and faithful and were promised to have many things in their charge. But the one who buried his talent showed his true character by his selfish behavior. The master had not asked more of this servant than the servant could handle but yet this lazy man refused to do what was asked and was thrown out by the master.
As I wrote earlier, God has entrusted me with several bibles. Instead of feeling guilty for having what others do not, I can study His word and know Him better. Knowing God's word will help me to share it with others in whatever way God directs me. Perhaps my struggles with food will prepare me to help someone climb out of a rut that is keeping them from fulfilling their dream of being a nurse or a missionary. So I could see how my seemingly impracticle skills and interests could have an impact for God's kingdom.
In his book "The Dreamgiver" Bruce Wilkinson says that God puts a dream on each person's heart and that when we live out our dreams we meet another person's need. He gave the example of a child who froze to death on a street corner near where he, Bruce, was staying in Africa saying that somewhere in this world there is a person with a dream that would have met that child's need. When we tuck our dreams away and don't put them into action someone may actually suffer as a result. That certainly puts things in a different light.
I can see how my brother's dream of supplying pumps for wells in the country of Burundi in Africa meets the needs of impoverished people dying for lack of drinking water. I'm not sure how my dreams fit though.
I'll tell the story of my dream or what I think may be my dream. Several years ago I was listening to a radio broadcast from Focus on the Family. The program featured a recording of a woman speaking to a large group. I don't know who she was or what she was speaking about but I remember thinking, "I would like to do that someday." I immediately thought, "Are you crazy, you're terrified of public speaking." Sometime later I decided to go back to school where I was required to take a course in public speaking. One of the things that really stayed in my mind from that experience is the fact that people cannot usually tell that a speaker is nervous. I also learned how to write and deliver an effective speech. I have had some opportunities to speak and to teach and I've found that the teaching of God's word is different than speaking about my weight loss. I will need to learn more about that kind of speaking if that is what I am going to do.
Last summer I went to a TOPS conference that had over 2000 people in attendance. While listening to a couple of keynote speakers I thought, "I would like to do this too." I'm not sure how people get to the point where they can speak naturally in front of that many people and for an hour but I would like to find out. So when I think of the dream God has put on my heart I just keep thinking that I want to speak before large groups of people. "Is that God's dream or just a thought that goes through my head?" I don't know. I'll just keep pressing on and I trust that God will show me the way.
I am trying to use this time of rest that God has provided through the loss of work to spend time studying and using the gift of encouragement God has given me. "We have different gifts, according to the grace given us...if it is encouraging, let him encourage;"(Romans 12:6,8) I was so thrilled to find out encouragement is an actual gift listed in the bible. Not that every gift has to be listed in the bible to be legitimate but if it wasn't then I know I would question if it was a gift and discount my use of it. I guess God knew that we encouragers would need His encouragement to use our gift. I didn't even realize I had this gift until after I lost the weight and had some confidence.
I think I mentioned in a previous post having feelings of guilt because I am struggling with being overweight and eating too much food when there are many people in this world who do not have enough food. By middle class America's standards I may not have a lot but I know that in comparison to many people I have an abundance. I think it was Chip Ingram who said that people who own their home are among only 5 percent of the world's population and even if that home doesn't seem grand it still makes the homeowner rich by the rest of the world's standards.
Joyce Meyer just wrote a book titled "Eat the Cookie...Buy the Shoes: giving yourself permission to lighten up". I discovered the promo on her website and the accompanying scripture from Ecclesiastes 3:12-13. "I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil-this is the gift of God." Pehaps it was providential that I saw Joyce's message when I have been struggling with this issue.
My feelings of guilt do not serve me or anyone else well. Sitting around having a pity party for myself does not feed the hungry. Nor does feeling guilty for having several bibles in my home when people risk their freedom and even their lives to have or give a bible.
I googled "With great priviledge comes great responsibility" and found many references to that statement. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "With freedom comes responsibility." As an American Christian I enjoy many freedoms and it is indeed a priviledge.
Jesus tells The Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25:14-30.
"Again, (the kingdom of heaven) will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his property to them. To one he gave five talents of money, to another, two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. The man who had received the five talents went at once and put his money to work and gained five more. So also, the one with the two talents gained two more. But the man who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master's money...."(Matt 25:14-18)
Notice that the talents were given according to each servant's ability. God does not ask more of us than we can handle. God gives us plenty of time to use the talents he has given us.
"After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them..." (v. 19) The two servants who had invested wisely were acknowledged as good and faithful and were promised to have many things in their charge. But the one who buried his talent showed his true character by his selfish behavior. The master had not asked more of this servant than the servant could handle but yet this lazy man refused to do what was asked and was thrown out by the master.
As I wrote earlier, God has entrusted me with several bibles. Instead of feeling guilty for having what others do not, I can study His word and know Him better. Knowing God's word will help me to share it with others in whatever way God directs me. Perhaps my struggles with food will prepare me to help someone climb out of a rut that is keeping them from fulfilling their dream of being a nurse or a missionary. So I could see how my seemingly impracticle skills and interests could have an impact for God's kingdom.
In his book "The Dreamgiver" Bruce Wilkinson says that God puts a dream on each person's heart and that when we live out our dreams we meet another person's need. He gave the example of a child who froze to death on a street corner near where he, Bruce, was staying in Africa saying that somewhere in this world there is a person with a dream that would have met that child's need. When we tuck our dreams away and don't put them into action someone may actually suffer as a result. That certainly puts things in a different light.
I can see how my brother's dream of supplying pumps for wells in the country of Burundi in Africa meets the needs of impoverished people dying for lack of drinking water. I'm not sure how my dreams fit though.
I'll tell the story of my dream or what I think may be my dream. Several years ago I was listening to a radio broadcast from Focus on the Family. The program featured a recording of a woman speaking to a large group. I don't know who she was or what she was speaking about but I remember thinking, "I would like to do that someday." I immediately thought, "Are you crazy, you're terrified of public speaking." Sometime later I decided to go back to school where I was required to take a course in public speaking. One of the things that really stayed in my mind from that experience is the fact that people cannot usually tell that a speaker is nervous. I also learned how to write and deliver an effective speech. I have had some opportunities to speak and to teach and I've found that the teaching of God's word is different than speaking about my weight loss. I will need to learn more about that kind of speaking if that is what I am going to do.
Last summer I went to a TOPS conference that had over 2000 people in attendance. While listening to a couple of keynote speakers I thought, "I would like to do this too." I'm not sure how people get to the point where they can speak naturally in front of that many people and for an hour but I would like to find out. So when I think of the dream God has put on my heart I just keep thinking that I want to speak before large groups of people. "Is that God's dream or just a thought that goes through my head?" I don't know. I'll just keep pressing on and I trust that God will show me the way.
I am trying to use this time of rest that God has provided through the loss of work to spend time studying and using the gift of encouragement God has given me. "We have different gifts, according to the grace given us...if it is encouraging, let him encourage;"(Romans 12:6,8) I was so thrilled to find out encouragement is an actual gift listed in the bible. Not that every gift has to be listed in the bible to be legitimate but if it wasn't then I know I would question if it was a gift and discount my use of it. I guess God knew that we encouragers would need His encouragement to use our gift. I didn't even realize I had this gift until after I lost the weight and had some confidence.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Determination to Never Give Up
Last night I was scared because I stepped on the scale and the number really scared me. It thought that I had done better this week with food. Sometimes I play mind games convincing myself that I'm doing okay with food when I'm not. But today my weight is where I thought it should be last night. I felt really bloated then so that would explain the difference. It's not so much that I'm hung up on the number on the scale but that I try to figure out where I'm at leading up to my Tuesday weigh in at TOPS. This certainly makes a case for writing down what I eat. It's amazing how easy it is to forget.
This whole issue can be such a roller coaster of emotions. It seems I go between feeling overconfidant to feeling like a hypocrite. I don't feel like I can be helpful to others with either mindset. Helping other people is so important to me. Being healthy is great but supporting other people who share my struggles makes the effort worthwhile.
There is a difference between helping and pleasing others. Real happiness comes from doing what honors God and that doesn't always make people happy. I've received this word from some annointed speakers and writers several times. Just today I heard a Joyce Meyer podcast in which she made that point.
On an episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" Ray was going out of his way to please acquaintances at his wife Debra's expense. She told him that he didn't have to have everyone like him. "That's me," I thought. I always want people to like me. I really need to get over that. I'm beginning to realize that it's just not possible to accomplish. It's especially bad to try to please someone at the expense of my family and I know I have been guilty.
I know that my desire to reach others for God and make a difference in people's lives will mean that I have to lay down the desire to have everyone like me. The reality is not everyone is going to like me or be happy with me. The best thing I can do is figure out just what God wants me to do and do it. Much easier said than done. Joyce Meyer says that next to having God in your life the single most important thing a person can have is the determination to not give up. She says it is even better than being smart because it will keep a person from getting stuck in life and get her across the finish line. Make up your mind that you are not going to give up and press on is what I hear Joyce saying. Sounds like great advice and I am making up my mind to not give up and to run after the things of God.
This whole issue can be such a roller coaster of emotions. It seems I go between feeling overconfidant to feeling like a hypocrite. I don't feel like I can be helpful to others with either mindset. Helping other people is so important to me. Being healthy is great but supporting other people who share my struggles makes the effort worthwhile.
There is a difference between helping and pleasing others. Real happiness comes from doing what honors God and that doesn't always make people happy. I've received this word from some annointed speakers and writers several times. Just today I heard a Joyce Meyer podcast in which she made that point.
On an episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" Ray was going out of his way to please acquaintances at his wife Debra's expense. She told him that he didn't have to have everyone like him. "That's me," I thought. I always want people to like me. I really need to get over that. I'm beginning to realize that it's just not possible to accomplish. It's especially bad to try to please someone at the expense of my family and I know I have been guilty.
I know that my desire to reach others for God and make a difference in people's lives will mean that I have to lay down the desire to have everyone like me. The reality is not everyone is going to like me or be happy with me. The best thing I can do is figure out just what God wants me to do and do it. Much easier said than done. Joyce Meyer says that next to having God in your life the single most important thing a person can have is the determination to not give up. She says it is even better than being smart because it will keep a person from getting stuck in life and get her across the finish line. Make up your mind that you are not going to give up and press on is what I hear Joyce saying. Sounds like great advice and I am making up my mind to not give up and to run after the things of God.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Sometimes God calms the storms, sometimes He calms us in the storm.
I feel bloated and uncomfortable and my weight is at a scary high. I'm afraid that I won't be able to get it back down, that I will be humiliated in front of my TOPS group. A year ago I was celebrating receiving an award for losing the most weight of all the women in NY State who reached their goal in TOPS in 2008. Now I'm in danger of losing my KOPS (Keep Off Pounds Sensibly) status. Sometimes I wish it would just happen and be done.
I've heard that most of the things we fear never come to pass. I thought that after last week when I was more than 3 pounds above my goal I would be able to be more disciplined. I did much better last week but it seems my weight is up again. I thought I was having a pretty good week but I guess I'm fooling myself. I will probably have to do the thing I dislike and write down what I eat for a week. In the past I've had to get out the measuring cups and reacquaint myself with portion sizes. It's amazing how that half cup of yogurt can gradually become three-quarters of a cup. I need to get back to leaner dinners too. The exercise is not the issue it's the food. I've come so far and encouraged so many people I feel like I'd be letting people down and most of all I'd be letting myself down.
The other danger is that a result of discouragement and embarrassment would be that I drop out of TOPS and that I would gain the weight back. Several people have found themselves in the position of being up a few extra pounds and have lost their honored KOPS status but continue to attend meetings. If they can do it I can too. I know that they will still love me but can I accept myself. Too many people lose and regain large amounts of weight. I absolutely do not want this to be my story. Food needs to be a healthy part of my life not the unhealthy focus it is becoming once again. I have to trust that I can get back to where I want to be.
Raising my goal 5 pounds was necessary because it was just too hard to maintain my original goal in the less active winter months. The last 2 winters have proved that. But to raise my goal again would only give me permission to eat and gain more. I have to stop this now. As Susan Powter says, "Stop the insanity!"
For readers who do not share my spiritual beliefs the following thoughts may seem bizarre. I believe in spiritual battles. Satan is the author of evil and wants to beat down and destroy people. He knows that once a person has accepted Jesus as their saviour that he cannot keep them from heaven. However, he does have limited power to tempt Christians and to make life difficult, even miserable. Satan can't stand it that God has gotten a hold of my heart and given me the strength to turn my life around and lose 120 pounds. I have been able to share my story about the goodness of God and inspire hope in others. Satan does not want others to hear this message. He could really destroy my confidence and my opportunity to reach out to others by drawing me back into addictive behaviors with food. It is up to me to decide whether food or God's will is more important to me. I know God will love me no matter what but I also know that He has something better for me than returning to my highest weight.
Like any loving parent God does allow His children to suffer pain at times. Difficulties make us stronger and turn our hearts back to the One who loves us and wants what best for us. Sometimes we run away like defiant children but our Heavenly Father lovingly restores us when we are ready to let Him.
Recently I read the scripture from Luke 22:31 in which Jesus tells Peter, "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat." Jesus follows with, "But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back strengthen your brothers." I sensed that God was warning me that this would happen to me. At first I was scared that something really bad would happen but then it occurred to me that I would be tested in the area of weight. Simon Peter needed to base his ministry on God's strength and not his own. He was confident in the things he had done in the past like walking on water but that was not enough on which to base a life and a ministry. Peter went on to win many souls for Christ and live mightily for God. I desire to reach out to many for God too and I know that I need to learn that it is God's strength and not my own that sustains me. I cling to that knowledge as I walk this difficult journey. The valley is low and I am in it. I need God to pick me up and see me through. When I came to the end of myself in the past I ended up finding the strength to lose the weight. I have to trust that the ability to get through this trial will come through the Father who loves me but the struggle is still difficult and painful. God is faithful and I put my trust in Him. Tomorrow is a new day and I will wake with the hope that I will be better for God in this area then I have been today. To God be the glory.
I've heard that most of the things we fear never come to pass. I thought that after last week when I was more than 3 pounds above my goal I would be able to be more disciplined. I did much better last week but it seems my weight is up again. I thought I was having a pretty good week but I guess I'm fooling myself. I will probably have to do the thing I dislike and write down what I eat for a week. In the past I've had to get out the measuring cups and reacquaint myself with portion sizes. It's amazing how that half cup of yogurt can gradually become three-quarters of a cup. I need to get back to leaner dinners too. The exercise is not the issue it's the food. I've come so far and encouraged so many people I feel like I'd be letting people down and most of all I'd be letting myself down.
The other danger is that a result of discouragement and embarrassment would be that I drop out of TOPS and that I would gain the weight back. Several people have found themselves in the position of being up a few extra pounds and have lost their honored KOPS status but continue to attend meetings. If they can do it I can too. I know that they will still love me but can I accept myself. Too many people lose and regain large amounts of weight. I absolutely do not want this to be my story. Food needs to be a healthy part of my life not the unhealthy focus it is becoming once again. I have to trust that I can get back to where I want to be.
Raising my goal 5 pounds was necessary because it was just too hard to maintain my original goal in the less active winter months. The last 2 winters have proved that. But to raise my goal again would only give me permission to eat and gain more. I have to stop this now. As Susan Powter says, "Stop the insanity!"
For readers who do not share my spiritual beliefs the following thoughts may seem bizarre. I believe in spiritual battles. Satan is the author of evil and wants to beat down and destroy people. He knows that once a person has accepted Jesus as their saviour that he cannot keep them from heaven. However, he does have limited power to tempt Christians and to make life difficult, even miserable. Satan can't stand it that God has gotten a hold of my heart and given me the strength to turn my life around and lose 120 pounds. I have been able to share my story about the goodness of God and inspire hope in others. Satan does not want others to hear this message. He could really destroy my confidence and my opportunity to reach out to others by drawing me back into addictive behaviors with food. It is up to me to decide whether food or God's will is more important to me. I know God will love me no matter what but I also know that He has something better for me than returning to my highest weight.
Like any loving parent God does allow His children to suffer pain at times. Difficulties make us stronger and turn our hearts back to the One who loves us and wants what best for us. Sometimes we run away like defiant children but our Heavenly Father lovingly restores us when we are ready to let Him.
Recently I read the scripture from Luke 22:31 in which Jesus tells Peter, "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat." Jesus follows with, "But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back strengthen your brothers." I sensed that God was warning me that this would happen to me. At first I was scared that something really bad would happen but then it occurred to me that I would be tested in the area of weight. Simon Peter needed to base his ministry on God's strength and not his own. He was confident in the things he had done in the past like walking on water but that was not enough on which to base a life and a ministry. Peter went on to win many souls for Christ and live mightily for God. I desire to reach out to many for God too and I know that I need to learn that it is God's strength and not my own that sustains me. I cling to that knowledge as I walk this difficult journey. The valley is low and I am in it. I need God to pick me up and see me through. When I came to the end of myself in the past I ended up finding the strength to lose the weight. I have to trust that the ability to get through this trial will come through the Father who loves me but the struggle is still difficult and painful. God is faithful and I put my trust in Him. Tomorrow is a new day and I will wake with the hope that I will be better for God in this area then I have been today. To God be the glory.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Food Fight
Last night I went to bed early and missed out on blogging. It was a blessing because I really felt like eating but did not since escaped the draw of the kitchen.
Things that haven't bothered me in a long time seem to be a problem again. It has been so long since I craved chips of any sort with subs but last night I felt like I was missing out. Longing for salty foods has never been my thing before. Sometimes when I've had a lot of sweets I might want something savory but not often.
I just don't get it. What I can now relate to is the caution that weight maintenance is difficult. My doctor jokes, "Losing weight is the easy part, it's maintaining that's the hard part." People invariably look at me with puzzled glances when I repeat these words of wisdom. The point, of course, is that once the weight is lost, which is very difficult to be sure, the hard work of maintenance begins. Presumably those who lose weight will maintain that loss for life which is likely to be longer than the period required to establish the initial loss.
Sometimes I wonder if I lost brain cells along with pounds. At times I behave as though I don't need to be vigilant anymore. Hey, now that I've reached goal I've got it made; I don't need to watch what I eat anymore the problem is solved. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? But that is how I act. The scale quickly brings me back to reality. If it weren't for weighing in at TOPS I know I would deceive myself into thinking that I would get my weight down tomorrow and that day would never come. I would, no doubt, be regaining the weight. So if you are losing weight and envying those who are at goal keep in mind that we still have to work at it too. Again my wise doctor told me that he has talked to people who have been adicted to drugs, cigarettes, and food and the latter was the hardest habit to break.
My doctor confirmed for me that my approach to food constitutes addiction and I know recovering addicts must be vigilant. Three and a half years of pursuing good health has taught me a great deal. Certainly I will always be a student when it comes to disordered eating but I have also begun to become a teacher as I share what I know with others. I do not feel bitter about this in the least. When I'm feeling low I wish I didn't have to struggle but most of the time I am thankful. Pain is not pleasant but most will agree that the times of greatest growth in life are born of adversity. The ability to comfort others comes from receiving comfort.
Remembering how far I've come and thinking of the people I've inspired can also help me get back on track. Sometimes I joke that I should paint the KOPS (Keep Off Pounds Sensibly) pledge in big letters on my refrigerator. Not that the fridge holds all my problem foods but it's in the room where the food is.
"Don't buy it," you say. One of my biggest downfalls is popcorn. Unfortunately not the 100 calorie microwave kind, no thanks. Either movie theater or or homemade. Portion, isn't that just a giant bowl full? You get the idea. I can't totally give it up because I enjoy it so much. When I limit it to one big bowl a week and no more I'm okay but I've had a few weeks of going beyond that. Along with a few weeks of not saying no to things like Dunkin' Donuts' chai tea (love it) more than once a week and goodies my family has that I normally don't. I've tried not to make this their thing. Forcing someone to diet usually has the opposite effect of the one intended. I don't usually have much of a problem saying no when I know it's not my splurge day. I usually have a splurge twice a week. So that might be a dessert and a meal generally not on the same day. But I think my splurges have been a too big lately and as I said too often. As the weather improves and I am busier this will become less of an issue. This blog is helping to keep my hands busy which is a good thing and thinking about food and the feelings that relate to it instead of eating it is another positive.
My daughter reminded me that I could eat what the rest of the family eats if I am willing to weigh what they weigh. Good point, I am not. I would feel uncomfortable at a higher weight and I think it would just give me an excuse to eat more and then climb to a higher weight yet. I think this is the right weight for me at this time in my life. She actually reminded me of another way of thinking that I have relied on in the past to help me. I know that I can eat whatever I want but the trade off is that I may gain weight. I have to decide which is more important to me, the food or the loss. The answer varies but right now I think I would prefer the loss.
Tomorrow night will be a challenge as my large extended family gathers to celebrate my brother Jim's birthday. The desserts will be out and it's hard for me to concentrate on anything else even if they do get removed from the table. I'm thinking I'll bring along the dishcloth I've started knitting with the intention of busying my hands while our family was enjoying a movie. Monday the builder will break ground on my parent's new home and throws a party for all who attend. I want to be there and my parents have invited me. These things have not been big issues in the past. I like the one day at a time approach and will comfort myself with the thought that after Tuesday's weigh in I start a new week and can once again plan my treat.
I strongly believe that things happen for a reason and that God sometimes allows circumstances to get my attention. I've been wanting to focus on reading some good books that beckon from my bookshelf. Sinking into the couch in front of television and eating is easy but unrewarding. Like exercise which I often have to convince myself to start I need to just do it when it comes to the reading too. How much better I'll feel just as I do when I'm logging my feelings here.
I was beginning to get concerned that I was battling depression once again. But so many things bring me joy and a smile to my face. Those things are not true when I'm in a depression. Late winter and the beginning of daylight savings time could certainly explain my struggles. As can the unexpected loss of my job last month. I'm enjoying the time of rest and being able to spend more time with my family. Last fall I worked full time, I had been at home for a few years since my girls left public school to complete their studies at home. But they work independently and we needed the money. As apple season drew to a close so did my farm market employment. A local gym, the same one that awarded me a free one year membership as the winner of their fitness/weight loss contest, added me to their staff. Unfortunately I lacked the speed and sales skills for the busy new year. It was an amicable parting of the ways. My boss was kind in the way he handled the situation, he encouraged me with some very positive feedback and an offer of a good reference. The first few days after that loss were difficult. I gave the job my best and it was a blow to my ego but I am able to go and enjoy the gym just as I have in the past which is evidence of the fact that things ended well.
Hopefully I will soon begin teaching SilverSneakers exercise classes to seniors in our community. I had the opportunity to teach 3 classes and found I really enjoy working with the participants. It's funny that I once thought my gift was teaching children but through teaching adult Sunday school and working with older adults at the gym and at the farm market I've come to realize that my strengths are better used with adults.
Today my girls and I went to a beach on the shores of Lake Ontario. It was a brisk day with winds whipping our hair as my younger daughter and I ran across the sand and played on the playground. My daughter is 13 and I am 44 but we had a wonderful time none the less. Such joys are particularly sweet when I think of how I could not have easily done these things a few years ago. We froliced until our fingers were numb and then drove home with my older daughter who preferred to read in the car. The lake is fun any time of year and a late winter or early spring jaunt is worth the effort. A dear friend really taught me to appreciate nature. God's creation has the power to refresh the body and the spirit. What a wonderful gift.
Things that haven't bothered me in a long time seem to be a problem again. It has been so long since I craved chips of any sort with subs but last night I felt like I was missing out. Longing for salty foods has never been my thing before. Sometimes when I've had a lot of sweets I might want something savory but not often.
I just don't get it. What I can now relate to is the caution that weight maintenance is difficult. My doctor jokes, "Losing weight is the easy part, it's maintaining that's the hard part." People invariably look at me with puzzled glances when I repeat these words of wisdom. The point, of course, is that once the weight is lost, which is very difficult to be sure, the hard work of maintenance begins. Presumably those who lose weight will maintain that loss for life which is likely to be longer than the period required to establish the initial loss.
Sometimes I wonder if I lost brain cells along with pounds. At times I behave as though I don't need to be vigilant anymore. Hey, now that I've reached goal I've got it made; I don't need to watch what I eat anymore the problem is solved. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? But that is how I act. The scale quickly brings me back to reality. If it weren't for weighing in at TOPS I know I would deceive myself into thinking that I would get my weight down tomorrow and that day would never come. I would, no doubt, be regaining the weight. So if you are losing weight and envying those who are at goal keep in mind that we still have to work at it too. Again my wise doctor told me that he has talked to people who have been adicted to drugs, cigarettes, and food and the latter was the hardest habit to break.
My doctor confirmed for me that my approach to food constitutes addiction and I know recovering addicts must be vigilant. Three and a half years of pursuing good health has taught me a great deal. Certainly I will always be a student when it comes to disordered eating but I have also begun to become a teacher as I share what I know with others. I do not feel bitter about this in the least. When I'm feeling low I wish I didn't have to struggle but most of the time I am thankful. Pain is not pleasant but most will agree that the times of greatest growth in life are born of adversity. The ability to comfort others comes from receiving comfort.
Remembering how far I've come and thinking of the people I've inspired can also help me get back on track. Sometimes I joke that I should paint the KOPS (Keep Off Pounds Sensibly) pledge in big letters on my refrigerator. Not that the fridge holds all my problem foods but it's in the room where the food is.
"Don't buy it," you say. One of my biggest downfalls is popcorn. Unfortunately not the 100 calorie microwave kind, no thanks. Either movie theater or or homemade. Portion, isn't that just a giant bowl full? You get the idea. I can't totally give it up because I enjoy it so much. When I limit it to one big bowl a week and no more I'm okay but I've had a few weeks of going beyond that. Along with a few weeks of not saying no to things like Dunkin' Donuts' chai tea (love it) more than once a week and goodies my family has that I normally don't. I've tried not to make this their thing. Forcing someone to diet usually has the opposite effect of the one intended. I don't usually have much of a problem saying no when I know it's not my splurge day. I usually have a splurge twice a week. So that might be a dessert and a meal generally not on the same day. But I think my splurges have been a too big lately and as I said too often. As the weather improves and I am busier this will become less of an issue. This blog is helping to keep my hands busy which is a good thing and thinking about food and the feelings that relate to it instead of eating it is another positive.
My daughter reminded me that I could eat what the rest of the family eats if I am willing to weigh what they weigh. Good point, I am not. I would feel uncomfortable at a higher weight and I think it would just give me an excuse to eat more and then climb to a higher weight yet. I think this is the right weight for me at this time in my life. She actually reminded me of another way of thinking that I have relied on in the past to help me. I know that I can eat whatever I want but the trade off is that I may gain weight. I have to decide which is more important to me, the food or the loss. The answer varies but right now I think I would prefer the loss.
Tomorrow night will be a challenge as my large extended family gathers to celebrate my brother Jim's birthday. The desserts will be out and it's hard for me to concentrate on anything else even if they do get removed from the table. I'm thinking I'll bring along the dishcloth I've started knitting with the intention of busying my hands while our family was enjoying a movie. Monday the builder will break ground on my parent's new home and throws a party for all who attend. I want to be there and my parents have invited me. These things have not been big issues in the past. I like the one day at a time approach and will comfort myself with the thought that after Tuesday's weigh in I start a new week and can once again plan my treat.
I strongly believe that things happen for a reason and that God sometimes allows circumstances to get my attention. I've been wanting to focus on reading some good books that beckon from my bookshelf. Sinking into the couch in front of television and eating is easy but unrewarding. Like exercise which I often have to convince myself to start I need to just do it when it comes to the reading too. How much better I'll feel just as I do when I'm logging my feelings here.
I was beginning to get concerned that I was battling depression once again. But so many things bring me joy and a smile to my face. Those things are not true when I'm in a depression. Late winter and the beginning of daylight savings time could certainly explain my struggles. As can the unexpected loss of my job last month. I'm enjoying the time of rest and being able to spend more time with my family. Last fall I worked full time, I had been at home for a few years since my girls left public school to complete their studies at home. But they work independently and we needed the money. As apple season drew to a close so did my farm market employment. A local gym, the same one that awarded me a free one year membership as the winner of their fitness/weight loss contest, added me to their staff. Unfortunately I lacked the speed and sales skills for the busy new year. It was an amicable parting of the ways. My boss was kind in the way he handled the situation, he encouraged me with some very positive feedback and an offer of a good reference. The first few days after that loss were difficult. I gave the job my best and it was a blow to my ego but I am able to go and enjoy the gym just as I have in the past which is evidence of the fact that things ended well.
Hopefully I will soon begin teaching SilverSneakers exercise classes to seniors in our community. I had the opportunity to teach 3 classes and found I really enjoy working with the participants. It's funny that I once thought my gift was teaching children but through teaching adult Sunday school and working with older adults at the gym and at the farm market I've come to realize that my strengths are better used with adults.
Today my girls and I went to a beach on the shores of Lake Ontario. It was a brisk day with winds whipping our hair as my younger daughter and I ran across the sand and played on the playground. My daughter is 13 and I am 44 but we had a wonderful time none the less. Such joys are particularly sweet when I think of how I could not have easily done these things a few years ago. We froliced until our fingers were numb and then drove home with my older daughter who preferred to read in the car. The lake is fun any time of year and a late winter or early spring jaunt is worth the effort. A dear friend really taught me to appreciate nature. God's creation has the power to refresh the body and the spirit. What a wonderful gift.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Finding a purpose for my words
I'm trying to figure out just what this blog is all about. Certainly it is a place to collect my thoughts. I hope its contents will be read by others and my readers will find encouragement among these words. Comments would be most welcome and very much appreciated.
Julie Powell's blog as chronicled in the movie "Julie and Julia" and the book by the same name have inspired my efforts. As have listening to an interview and a peek at Chantel Hobb's website http://www.chantelhobbs.com/chantel/. Chantel's story is one of dramatic change through embracing a healthy lifestyle, 200 pound weight loss, and a new life encouraging others. Like Chantel, my life has been renewed through my journey of weight loss, 120 pounds to be exact, and the maintenance thereof. Julie on the other hand had a firm plan to blog for 365 days about her experience cooking the recipes from beloved chef Julia Child's "Mastering the Art of French Cooking".
Last night as I drifted off to sleep I fantasized about creating my own daily blog. "But Julie was writing about food," I thought. "And I'm just writing about...um... oh, food. Not in the same way of course. I love to eat but don't particularly enjoy preparing meals. My eldest daughter pointed out that Julie had a specific goal and made a one year commitment to herself. According to Wikipedia she also had a degree in creative writing. I, on the other hand, have a 20 something year old degree in graphic arts from community college and an equally impractical AA in liberal arts.
If you have read anything else in blog you might have gathered that I am a woman of faith, Christianity, and I hardly think that God who is creator of all would be limited by such a small thing as lack of formal education. Perhaps my ramblings might one day be enough for a book. Oh I am a dreamer and one who is rather lacking in the ability to employ proper punctuation.
I'm not sure that I want to write solely about weight loss, although that is certainly a major focus in my life; I do have other interests. Unlike other formerly obese people, I don't have the knowledge and not really the desire to write a how to book. Instead I would like to share my story and offer encouragement along the way. If I were to write about what I have done and continue to do for good health I might discourage readers as I have been dismayed by the tales of other big losers. To be fair, I have been inspired by Dr. Ben Lerner's "Body by God" which offers far more than weight loss advice. "My Big Fat Greek Diet" by Dr. Nick Yphantides and Mike Yorkey is a heart warming story not overbearing in the weight loss advice offered. "YOU On a Diet" by Drs. Roizen and Oz, and "Superfoods Rx" by Steven Pratt, M.D. and Kathy Matthews gave me a boost when I really needed it.
Jumping in with enthusiasm and later waining in my commitment is a fault of mine. But I have been true to my promise in marriage for nearly 24 years and this month marks 20 years of lovingly raising my children. Exercise and healthy eating have become a habit that has lasted more than 3 years. Even when I don't feel like it I am faithful to exercise 5 days a week, no excuses. My exercise partner, my dad, has kept me honest in this regard. Although my walk with the Lord has had many ups and downs I have stayed true to my faith since age 14. When it counts I can persevere. I will have to see if this new project warrants such a pledge.
Last night I indulged in junk food for the first time in more than a week. It was difficult to go without but necessary considering the lax attitude toward overeating that I have exhibited in recent weeks. I have a tendency to eat my favorite treats as though I will never have them again. Very reminiscent of the bad old days. Popcorn is a particular weakness and I tend to see a serving as a bowl, not a small one either. Today I knew I must return to healthy eating. That is the one thing I have tried to do is make the next day be healthy with no going back to the vacation foods of the previous night. It is not easy. I find that it is hard to concentrate when I am sitting in front of a table of desserts at a gathering. All I want to do is eat. Feelings of fullness are no deterrent and highly caloric foods tend not to fill me up the way my staples do making it easier to go too far. Only my resolve not to continue saves me and that is only by the grace of God.
My brother's birthday celebration will be this Sunday and the builder promises a party to commemorate the dig for my parents' new home on Monday. Temptations abound. It's hard to believe so many people are starving in a world where I eat too much. Guilt will not serve them. I need to instead put myself aside and use what blessings I have to benefit them.
Writing my weekend thoughts here may be just what I need. Putting my decisions in print for anyone to see perhaps will deter me. The other benefit is keeping my fingers busy and therefore not busying my mouth with more food. A blessing to be sure.
Goodnight fair readers.
Julie Powell's blog as chronicled in the movie "Julie and Julia" and the book by the same name have inspired my efforts. As have listening to an interview and a peek at Chantel Hobb's website http://www.chantelhobbs.com/chantel/. Chantel's story is one of dramatic change through embracing a healthy lifestyle, 200 pound weight loss, and a new life encouraging others. Like Chantel, my life has been renewed through my journey of weight loss, 120 pounds to be exact, and the maintenance thereof. Julie on the other hand had a firm plan to blog for 365 days about her experience cooking the recipes from beloved chef Julia Child's "Mastering the Art of French Cooking".
Last night as I drifted off to sleep I fantasized about creating my own daily blog. "But Julie was writing about food," I thought. "And I'm just writing about...um... oh, food. Not in the same way of course. I love to eat but don't particularly enjoy preparing meals. My eldest daughter pointed out that Julie had a specific goal and made a one year commitment to herself. According to Wikipedia she also had a degree in creative writing. I, on the other hand, have a 20 something year old degree in graphic arts from community college and an equally impractical AA in liberal arts.
If you have read anything else in blog you might have gathered that I am a woman of faith, Christianity, and I hardly think that God who is creator of all would be limited by such a small thing as lack of formal education. Perhaps my ramblings might one day be enough for a book. Oh I am a dreamer and one who is rather lacking in the ability to employ proper punctuation.
I'm not sure that I want to write solely about weight loss, although that is certainly a major focus in my life; I do have other interests. Unlike other formerly obese people, I don't have the knowledge and not really the desire to write a how to book. Instead I would like to share my story and offer encouragement along the way. If I were to write about what I have done and continue to do for good health I might discourage readers as I have been dismayed by the tales of other big losers. To be fair, I have been inspired by Dr. Ben Lerner's "Body by God" which offers far more than weight loss advice. "My Big Fat Greek Diet" by Dr. Nick Yphantides and Mike Yorkey is a heart warming story not overbearing in the weight loss advice offered. "YOU On a Diet" by Drs. Roizen and Oz, and "Superfoods Rx" by Steven Pratt, M.D. and Kathy Matthews gave me a boost when I really needed it.
Jumping in with enthusiasm and later waining in my commitment is a fault of mine. But I have been true to my promise in marriage for nearly 24 years and this month marks 20 years of lovingly raising my children. Exercise and healthy eating have become a habit that has lasted more than 3 years. Even when I don't feel like it I am faithful to exercise 5 days a week, no excuses. My exercise partner, my dad, has kept me honest in this regard. Although my walk with the Lord has had many ups and downs I have stayed true to my faith since age 14. When it counts I can persevere. I will have to see if this new project warrants such a pledge.
Last night I indulged in junk food for the first time in more than a week. It was difficult to go without but necessary considering the lax attitude toward overeating that I have exhibited in recent weeks. I have a tendency to eat my favorite treats as though I will never have them again. Very reminiscent of the bad old days. Popcorn is a particular weakness and I tend to see a serving as a bowl, not a small one either. Today I knew I must return to healthy eating. That is the one thing I have tried to do is make the next day be healthy with no going back to the vacation foods of the previous night. It is not easy. I find that it is hard to concentrate when I am sitting in front of a table of desserts at a gathering. All I want to do is eat. Feelings of fullness are no deterrent and highly caloric foods tend not to fill me up the way my staples do making it easier to go too far. Only my resolve not to continue saves me and that is only by the grace of God.
My brother's birthday celebration will be this Sunday and the builder promises a party to commemorate the dig for my parents' new home on Monday. Temptations abound. It's hard to believe so many people are starving in a world where I eat too much. Guilt will not serve them. I need to instead put myself aside and use what blessings I have to benefit them.
Writing my weekend thoughts here may be just what I need. Putting my decisions in print for anyone to see perhaps will deter me. The other benefit is keeping my fingers busy and therefore not busying my mouth with more food. A blessing to be sure.
Goodnight fair readers.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Honesty and a dose of encouragement
I'm feeling better today about the whole weight thing. I was down 2.4 pounds at TOPS last night. I know that those of you who forget to eat (which has never happened to me) don't understand the whole .4 added on. But let me tell you if you needed to lose weight and you only lost .4 you would be glad for the increments of less than a pound that would count as an actual loss. This is important stuff to us losers (weight losers that is).
I heard a great radio program on Focus On the Family with guest Chantel Hobbs. After visiting her website however, she lost nearly 200 pounds, and learning that she can lift more weight at the gym than I can I felt discouraged. But I went to the gym and picked up heavier weights than I normally do and I lifted them! That was a good feeling. But what feels even better is writing down my thoughts with the hope that, like Chantel, I can help others.
I've begun to notice a pattern among people who have lost a lot of weight. There is a tendency, and I include myself in this, to think that we have the answers and we enthusiastically share them with others. We tend to be as gung ho about exercise as we used to be about our favorite junk food. It's not enough to walk a couple of miles a day, no we have to continue to live large and run marathons or finish an Ironman. I was trying to remember the Ironman name and my daughter who supplied it said it could also be referred to as a suicide triathalon. I have to chuckle because if I don't laugh about life I would go crazy. Hmmm, maybe I already am.
I just keep thinking about the things I've read about people who have lost a lot of weight. "Wow they've made a fantastic achievement, we have something in common, I just can't wait to read their story," I think. Every time I wish I hadn't. They always have achieved something more than I have and I feel inferior. It is rarely uplifting. I have even had the bizarre thought that maybe I should regain the weight plus a lot more and then lose it all and have a story to beat all stories. That really is crazy.
Okay, so now you know that I think some strange thoughts. You may not be willing to admit it but I'll bet you think things you wouldn't want anyone to know about. Hiding the truth can hurt us more than sharing it. I hear people say things like, "It must have been that potato I ate this week that made me gain weight." Stop! It wasn't the potato, unless maybe it was loaded with sour cream and butter. I didn't gain 5 pounds in the last month and say, "I just don't understand it, I've been eating so healthfully." Boloney, I've gone back to the old, bad habits that got me to 270 pounds in the first place. I often struggle with overeating healthy foods too. My problems with food are not over, and they probably never will be, but I am not going to give up. I like Chantel Hobbs idea of taking it one day at a time. That's all I can face. If I have to think of being healthy every day for life it's too much. It's overwhelming.
I've come to the point where the word healthy seems like vulgarity. It sounds like a punishment. I am glad I have good health and I want to keep it but I feel like I need a new word to describe it. I guess it's not easy to limit myself to just one word. That is obvious judging by the length of my posts.
Getting back to all those weight loss success stories. Maybe you feel that if they can do it so can you, and you can. But maybe you feel like you could never achieve what they have and why even bother. If those stories discourage me, a person who has lost a lot of weight, how must it feel to be the person who is carrying a lot of extra weight.
Being okay with who I am does not come easily to me and perhaps not to you either but don't give up. I can offer many ideas about what works for me but I cannot guarantee that any of them will work for you. Sometimes hearing other people's ideas only serves to help me determine what won't work for me. I enjoy running but when I mention that to others they usually say they have bad knees or something like that. My brother runs so he can be in shape for volleyball or tennis. I would be a couch potato if those were the only sports that I could employ to keep fit. My doctor says, "Find something you enjoy, or at least don't hate, and do that for exercise." Forget low carb, I love carbs; I usually eat whole grain but it's still a lot more carbs than one diet offers on the carb splurge day. Eggs for breakfast, no thank you I'll take oatmeal instead. For a friend low carb is the way to go but neither of us is wrong because we have found what works for us.
I finally realized that just being more active in my day helps me keep my weight down. It only took me 3 winters of stuggling to goal and 2 summers of not struggling to realize that it was more everyday activity, and not certain exercises, that were making the difference. I work out hard all year round but when it's dark and cold at 5PM I just don't move as much as when it's warm and light in the evenings, duh. So just move more and be surprised.
Okay, there I go giving weight loss advice that may be annoying. The best advice I can give is that you are a person of worth and that you deserve to be taken care of. If you think you don't have time to take care of yourself remember that in order to have the energy to love and care for others you have to do something to restore that energy. I like the book title "Life Is Hard Food is Easy" by Linda Spangle. I haven't read it but it's true.
Many people talk about how if they did what they wanted they would waste their time on various things that really don't sound like a waste of time. I think I would sleep and eat junk because that's easy. But that's what I used to do and I was miserable. For the moment I was eating I felt some joy but it was short lived. So I make the effort each day to get up and do things that aren't as easy as sleeping in or eating comfort foods. But my life is much better for the effort. Do the hard thing and live life, love yourself, and find joy. You are worth it.
I heard a great radio program on Focus On the Family with guest Chantel Hobbs. After visiting her website however, she lost nearly 200 pounds, and learning that she can lift more weight at the gym than I can I felt discouraged. But I went to the gym and picked up heavier weights than I normally do and I lifted them! That was a good feeling. But what feels even better is writing down my thoughts with the hope that, like Chantel, I can help others.
I've begun to notice a pattern among people who have lost a lot of weight. There is a tendency, and I include myself in this, to think that we have the answers and we enthusiastically share them with others. We tend to be as gung ho about exercise as we used to be about our favorite junk food. It's not enough to walk a couple of miles a day, no we have to continue to live large and run marathons or finish an Ironman. I was trying to remember the Ironman name and my daughter who supplied it said it could also be referred to as a suicide triathalon. I have to chuckle because if I don't laugh about life I would go crazy. Hmmm, maybe I already am.
I just keep thinking about the things I've read about people who have lost a lot of weight. "Wow they've made a fantastic achievement, we have something in common, I just can't wait to read their story," I think. Every time I wish I hadn't. They always have achieved something more than I have and I feel inferior. It is rarely uplifting. I have even had the bizarre thought that maybe I should regain the weight plus a lot more and then lose it all and have a story to beat all stories. That really is crazy.
Okay, so now you know that I think some strange thoughts. You may not be willing to admit it but I'll bet you think things you wouldn't want anyone to know about. Hiding the truth can hurt us more than sharing it. I hear people say things like, "It must have been that potato I ate this week that made me gain weight." Stop! It wasn't the potato, unless maybe it was loaded with sour cream and butter. I didn't gain 5 pounds in the last month and say, "I just don't understand it, I've been eating so healthfully." Boloney, I've gone back to the old, bad habits that got me to 270 pounds in the first place. I often struggle with overeating healthy foods too. My problems with food are not over, and they probably never will be, but I am not going to give up. I like Chantel Hobbs idea of taking it one day at a time. That's all I can face. If I have to think of being healthy every day for life it's too much. It's overwhelming.
I've come to the point where the word healthy seems like vulgarity. It sounds like a punishment. I am glad I have good health and I want to keep it but I feel like I need a new word to describe it. I guess it's not easy to limit myself to just one word. That is obvious judging by the length of my posts.
Getting back to all those weight loss success stories. Maybe you feel that if they can do it so can you, and you can. But maybe you feel like you could never achieve what they have and why even bother. If those stories discourage me, a person who has lost a lot of weight, how must it feel to be the person who is carrying a lot of extra weight.
Being okay with who I am does not come easily to me and perhaps not to you either but don't give up. I can offer many ideas about what works for me but I cannot guarantee that any of them will work for you. Sometimes hearing other people's ideas only serves to help me determine what won't work for me. I enjoy running but when I mention that to others they usually say they have bad knees or something like that. My brother runs so he can be in shape for volleyball or tennis. I would be a couch potato if those were the only sports that I could employ to keep fit. My doctor says, "Find something you enjoy, or at least don't hate, and do that for exercise." Forget low carb, I love carbs; I usually eat whole grain but it's still a lot more carbs than one diet offers on the carb splurge day. Eggs for breakfast, no thank you I'll take oatmeal instead. For a friend low carb is the way to go but neither of us is wrong because we have found what works for us.
I finally realized that just being more active in my day helps me keep my weight down. It only took me 3 winters of stuggling to goal and 2 summers of not struggling to realize that it was more everyday activity, and not certain exercises, that were making the difference. I work out hard all year round but when it's dark and cold at 5PM I just don't move as much as when it's warm and light in the evenings, duh. So just move more and be surprised.
Okay, there I go giving weight loss advice that may be annoying. The best advice I can give is that you are a person of worth and that you deserve to be taken care of. If you think you don't have time to take care of yourself remember that in order to have the energy to love and care for others you have to do something to restore that energy. I like the book title "Life Is Hard Food is Easy" by Linda Spangle. I haven't read it but it's true.
Many people talk about how if they did what they wanted they would waste their time on various things that really don't sound like a waste of time. I think I would sleep and eat junk because that's easy. But that's what I used to do and I was miserable. For the moment I was eating I felt some joy but it was short lived. So I make the effort each day to get up and do things that aren't as easy as sleeping in or eating comfort foods. But my life is much better for the effort. Do the hard thing and live life, love yourself, and find joy. You are worth it.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
The birth of a blog
I just typed my heart out and managed to lose my thoughts in cyberspace, or at least I think I did. They're probably hanging out with all the songs I accidently erased from my iPod.
I was writing about my recent discouragement with weight loss. I have lost 120 pounds and maintained a healthy weight for almost 2 years but I am struggling. When I turned to the very stories I thought would inspire me I felt even more frustrated. It seems that those success stories put mine to shame. They are stories of women who have lost more weight, acheived a smaller size, work out longer, lift more weight, run faster and farther, and eat fewer calories than I do; and some of them are older than I am.
I do eat healthfully most of the time but sometimes I eat more healthy food than I am hungry for just because it's on my plate or in my bowl. Or maybe I just want to eat rather than busy myself with other things because it's easier. I eat a lot of vegetables because it satisfies my need to eat a lot while helping me to maintain my weight. So I could weigh less but I don't think I could stick with it. I might even end up totally blowing it by going off the deep end, into a bucket of popcorn perhaps, because my unrealistic expectations set me up for failure.
Sometimes I feel like I've got the problem licked. I get cocky, eat too much, and find myself out of my leeway (more than 3 pounds above goal in TOPS/Take Off Pounds Sensibly). Thank God for TOPS or I would be well on my way to gaining back what I have lost. It's hard enough to get a few pounds off I never want to have to face over 100 pounds of excess weight again.
It's important that I say this is not about looking like I did before. Certainly I don't want to go back to my highest weight, but more than anything else it's the feeling of despair and hopelessness that I don't want to experience again. Once I began living the healthy lifestyle that got me to goal I felt every bit as good as I did when I reached my goal because I no longer felt hopeless.
I think of how Paul asked God to take away the thorn and God said, "My grace is sufficient for you" 2 Corinthians 12:9. I realize that if I didn't have this struggle with food anymore than I wouldn't be able to help other people who struggle. I'd think I had it all together and would judge people for not having it all together too. That would not be helpful to anyone. And so it is a good thing that I can still relate very well to struggling with food.
Let me share a low moment with you. I remember once longing to eat the cream cheese frosting that lay in a discarded container that had once held a piece of carrot cake. My son had hoped to spare me the temptation by quickly polishing off the cake but then I discovered the clear container of frosting at the top of the garbage can. Now I know there are people that are utterly repulsed by the thought that anyone would remove a container from the garbage and eat from it, rest assured I did not do it. But I felt vindicated when I saw a clip from Seinfeld in which George Castanza was caught eating an eclair he had retrieved from the garbage can. In his defense he pointed out that it was only laying on some discarded magazines. So there are others out there that can relate to disordered thinking as it applies to food.
One thing that helps me when I feel inferior is this thought from Galatians 6:4 MSG: "Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that...Don't compare yourself with others." So it really isn't about what someone else achieves it's about doing the best that I can do. If only walking that truth out came as easily as the saying of it does.
The other thing that would help me is to actually talk to other people who are struggling with the same thoughts and are willing to be honest. I am often encouraged by others that know my story. Many people say that I have inspired them. I suppose many people would think I'm silly for having these thoughts but perhaps there is someone out there who can relate and needs to know that he or she is not alone.
If you are reading this and thinking that if you could only be a certain size or a certain weight then you would be happy please don't put your life on hold any longer. As you can see from what I've written, all my problems didn't magically disappear when I reached that magic number. Eventually I began to feel the number wasn't low enough but in fact it turned out to be too low for me to realistically maintain and I raised my goal 5 pounds.
I like how Dr. Ben Lerner puts it in his book "Body By God". He says you don't have to have it all figured out in one day. Just strive to be one percent better for God every day. In Philippians 3: 13-14 Paul says, "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. So in God's word he says we must strain and press on. Those are words that indicate effort. It isn't going to be easy but we are getting a wonderful prize at the end. The prize will far outweigh the struggle and so I press on and hope that I can encourage others along the way.
I was writing about my recent discouragement with weight loss. I have lost 120 pounds and maintained a healthy weight for almost 2 years but I am struggling. When I turned to the very stories I thought would inspire me I felt even more frustrated. It seems that those success stories put mine to shame. They are stories of women who have lost more weight, acheived a smaller size, work out longer, lift more weight, run faster and farther, and eat fewer calories than I do; and some of them are older than I am.
I do eat healthfully most of the time but sometimes I eat more healthy food than I am hungry for just because it's on my plate or in my bowl. Or maybe I just want to eat rather than busy myself with other things because it's easier. I eat a lot of vegetables because it satisfies my need to eat a lot while helping me to maintain my weight. So I could weigh less but I don't think I could stick with it. I might even end up totally blowing it by going off the deep end, into a bucket of popcorn perhaps, because my unrealistic expectations set me up for failure.
Sometimes I feel like I've got the problem licked. I get cocky, eat too much, and find myself out of my leeway (more than 3 pounds above goal in TOPS/Take Off Pounds Sensibly). Thank God for TOPS or I would be well on my way to gaining back what I have lost. It's hard enough to get a few pounds off I never want to have to face over 100 pounds of excess weight again.
It's important that I say this is not about looking like I did before. Certainly I don't want to go back to my highest weight, but more than anything else it's the feeling of despair and hopelessness that I don't want to experience again. Once I began living the healthy lifestyle that got me to goal I felt every bit as good as I did when I reached my goal because I no longer felt hopeless.
I think of how Paul asked God to take away the thorn and God said, "My grace is sufficient for you" 2 Corinthians 12:9. I realize that if I didn't have this struggle with food anymore than I wouldn't be able to help other people who struggle. I'd think I had it all together and would judge people for not having it all together too. That would not be helpful to anyone. And so it is a good thing that I can still relate very well to struggling with food.
Let me share a low moment with you. I remember once longing to eat the cream cheese frosting that lay in a discarded container that had once held a piece of carrot cake. My son had hoped to spare me the temptation by quickly polishing off the cake but then I discovered the clear container of frosting at the top of the garbage can. Now I know there are people that are utterly repulsed by the thought that anyone would remove a container from the garbage and eat from it, rest assured I did not do it. But I felt vindicated when I saw a clip from Seinfeld in which George Castanza was caught eating an eclair he had retrieved from the garbage can. In his defense he pointed out that it was only laying on some discarded magazines. So there are others out there that can relate to disordered thinking as it applies to food.
One thing that helps me when I feel inferior is this thought from Galatians 6:4 MSG: "Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that...Don't compare yourself with others." So it really isn't about what someone else achieves it's about doing the best that I can do. If only walking that truth out came as easily as the saying of it does.
The other thing that would help me is to actually talk to other people who are struggling with the same thoughts and are willing to be honest. I am often encouraged by others that know my story. Many people say that I have inspired them. I suppose many people would think I'm silly for having these thoughts but perhaps there is someone out there who can relate and needs to know that he or she is not alone.
If you are reading this and thinking that if you could only be a certain size or a certain weight then you would be happy please don't put your life on hold any longer. As you can see from what I've written, all my problems didn't magically disappear when I reached that magic number. Eventually I began to feel the number wasn't low enough but in fact it turned out to be too low for me to realistically maintain and I raised my goal 5 pounds.
I like how Dr. Ben Lerner puts it in his book "Body By God". He says you don't have to have it all figured out in one day. Just strive to be one percent better for God every day. In Philippians 3: 13-14 Paul says, "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. So in God's word he says we must strain and press on. Those are words that indicate effort. It isn't going to be easy but we are getting a wonderful prize at the end. The prize will far outweigh the struggle and so I press on and hope that I can encourage others along the way.
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