I feel bloated and uncomfortable and my weight is at a scary high. I'm afraid that I won't be able to get it back down, that I will be humiliated in front of my TOPS group. A year ago I was celebrating receiving an award for losing the most weight of all the women in NY State who reached their goal in TOPS in 2008. Now I'm in danger of losing my KOPS (Keep Off Pounds Sensibly) status. Sometimes I wish it would just happen and be done.
I've heard that most of the things we fear never come to pass. I thought that after last week when I was more than 3 pounds above my goal I would be able to be more disciplined. I did much better last week but it seems my weight is up again. I thought I was having a pretty good week but I guess I'm fooling myself. I will probably have to do the thing I dislike and write down what I eat for a week. In the past I've had to get out the measuring cups and reacquaint myself with portion sizes. It's amazing how that half cup of yogurt can gradually become three-quarters of a cup. I need to get back to leaner dinners too. The exercise is not the issue it's the food. I've come so far and encouraged so many people I feel like I'd be letting people down and most of all I'd be letting myself down.
The other danger is that a result of discouragement and embarrassment would be that I drop out of TOPS and that I would gain the weight back. Several people have found themselves in the position of being up a few extra pounds and have lost their honored KOPS status but continue to attend meetings. If they can do it I can too. I know that they will still love me but can I accept myself. Too many people lose and regain large amounts of weight. I absolutely do not want this to be my story. Food needs to be a healthy part of my life not the unhealthy focus it is becoming once again. I have to trust that I can get back to where I want to be.
Raising my goal 5 pounds was necessary because it was just too hard to maintain my original goal in the less active winter months. The last 2 winters have proved that. But to raise my goal again would only give me permission to eat and gain more. I have to stop this now. As Susan Powter says, "Stop the insanity!"
For readers who do not share my spiritual beliefs the following thoughts may seem bizarre. I believe in spiritual battles. Satan is the author of evil and wants to beat down and destroy people. He knows that once a person has accepted Jesus as their saviour that he cannot keep them from heaven. However, he does have limited power to tempt Christians and to make life difficult, even miserable. Satan can't stand it that God has gotten a hold of my heart and given me the strength to turn my life around and lose 120 pounds. I have been able to share my story about the goodness of God and inspire hope in others. Satan does not want others to hear this message. He could really destroy my confidence and my opportunity to reach out to others by drawing me back into addictive behaviors with food. It is up to me to decide whether food or God's will is more important to me. I know God will love me no matter what but I also know that He has something better for me than returning to my highest weight.
Like any loving parent God does allow His children to suffer pain at times. Difficulties make us stronger and turn our hearts back to the One who loves us and wants what best for us. Sometimes we run away like defiant children but our Heavenly Father lovingly restores us when we are ready to let Him.
Recently I read the scripture from Luke 22:31 in which Jesus tells Peter, "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat." Jesus follows with, "But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back strengthen your brothers." I sensed that God was warning me that this would happen to me. At first I was scared that something really bad would happen but then it occurred to me that I would be tested in the area of weight. Simon Peter needed to base his ministry on God's strength and not his own. He was confident in the things he had done in the past like walking on water but that was not enough on which to base a life and a ministry. Peter went on to win many souls for Christ and live mightily for God. I desire to reach out to many for God too and I know that I need to learn that it is God's strength and not my own that sustains me. I cling to that knowledge as I walk this difficult journey. The valley is low and I am in it. I need God to pick me up and see me through. When I came to the end of myself in the past I ended up finding the strength to lose the weight. I have to trust that the ability to get through this trial will come through the Father who loves me but the struggle is still difficult and painful. God is faithful and I put my trust in Him. Tomorrow is a new day and I will wake with the hope that I will be better for God in this area then I have been today. To God be the glory.
Showing posts with label food. Show all posts
Showing posts with label food. Show all posts
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Finding a purpose for my words
I'm trying to figure out just what this blog is all about. Certainly it is a place to collect my thoughts. I hope its contents will be read by others and my readers will find encouragement among these words. Comments would be most welcome and very much appreciated.
Julie Powell's blog as chronicled in the movie "Julie and Julia" and the book by the same name have inspired my efforts. As have listening to an interview and a peek at Chantel Hobb's website http://www.chantelhobbs.com/chantel/. Chantel's story is one of dramatic change through embracing a healthy lifestyle, 200 pound weight loss, and a new life encouraging others. Like Chantel, my life has been renewed through my journey of weight loss, 120 pounds to be exact, and the maintenance thereof. Julie on the other hand had a firm plan to blog for 365 days about her experience cooking the recipes from beloved chef Julia Child's "Mastering the Art of French Cooking".
Last night as I drifted off to sleep I fantasized about creating my own daily blog. "But Julie was writing about food," I thought. "And I'm just writing about...um... oh, food. Not in the same way of course. I love to eat but don't particularly enjoy preparing meals. My eldest daughter pointed out that Julie had a specific goal and made a one year commitment to herself. According to Wikipedia she also had a degree in creative writing. I, on the other hand, have a 20 something year old degree in graphic arts from community college and an equally impractical AA in liberal arts.
If you have read anything else in blog you might have gathered that I am a woman of faith, Christianity, and I hardly think that God who is creator of all would be limited by such a small thing as lack of formal education. Perhaps my ramblings might one day be enough for a book. Oh I am a dreamer and one who is rather lacking in the ability to employ proper punctuation.
I'm not sure that I want to write solely about weight loss, although that is certainly a major focus in my life; I do have other interests. Unlike other formerly obese people, I don't have the knowledge and not really the desire to write a how to book. Instead I would like to share my story and offer encouragement along the way. If I were to write about what I have done and continue to do for good health I might discourage readers as I have been dismayed by the tales of other big losers. To be fair, I have been inspired by Dr. Ben Lerner's "Body by God" which offers far more than weight loss advice. "My Big Fat Greek Diet" by Dr. Nick Yphantides and Mike Yorkey is a heart warming story not overbearing in the weight loss advice offered. "YOU On a Diet" by Drs. Roizen and Oz, and "Superfoods Rx" by Steven Pratt, M.D. and Kathy Matthews gave me a boost when I really needed it.
Jumping in with enthusiasm and later waining in my commitment is a fault of mine. But I have been true to my promise in marriage for nearly 24 years and this month marks 20 years of lovingly raising my children. Exercise and healthy eating have become a habit that has lasted more than 3 years. Even when I don't feel like it I am faithful to exercise 5 days a week, no excuses. My exercise partner, my dad, has kept me honest in this regard. Although my walk with the Lord has had many ups and downs I have stayed true to my faith since age 14. When it counts I can persevere. I will have to see if this new project warrants such a pledge.
Last night I indulged in junk food for the first time in more than a week. It was difficult to go without but necessary considering the lax attitude toward overeating that I have exhibited in recent weeks. I have a tendency to eat my favorite treats as though I will never have them again. Very reminiscent of the bad old days. Popcorn is a particular weakness and I tend to see a serving as a bowl, not a small one either. Today I knew I must return to healthy eating. That is the one thing I have tried to do is make the next day be healthy with no going back to the vacation foods of the previous night. It is not easy. I find that it is hard to concentrate when I am sitting in front of a table of desserts at a gathering. All I want to do is eat. Feelings of fullness are no deterrent and highly caloric foods tend not to fill me up the way my staples do making it easier to go too far. Only my resolve not to continue saves me and that is only by the grace of God.
My brother's birthday celebration will be this Sunday and the builder promises a party to commemorate the dig for my parents' new home on Monday. Temptations abound. It's hard to believe so many people are starving in a world where I eat too much. Guilt will not serve them. I need to instead put myself aside and use what blessings I have to benefit them.
Writing my weekend thoughts here may be just what I need. Putting my decisions in print for anyone to see perhaps will deter me. The other benefit is keeping my fingers busy and therefore not busying my mouth with more food. A blessing to be sure.
Goodnight fair readers.
Julie Powell's blog as chronicled in the movie "Julie and Julia" and the book by the same name have inspired my efforts. As have listening to an interview and a peek at Chantel Hobb's website http://www.chantelhobbs.com/chantel/. Chantel's story is one of dramatic change through embracing a healthy lifestyle, 200 pound weight loss, and a new life encouraging others. Like Chantel, my life has been renewed through my journey of weight loss, 120 pounds to be exact, and the maintenance thereof. Julie on the other hand had a firm plan to blog for 365 days about her experience cooking the recipes from beloved chef Julia Child's "Mastering the Art of French Cooking".
Last night as I drifted off to sleep I fantasized about creating my own daily blog. "But Julie was writing about food," I thought. "And I'm just writing about...um... oh, food. Not in the same way of course. I love to eat but don't particularly enjoy preparing meals. My eldest daughter pointed out that Julie had a specific goal and made a one year commitment to herself. According to Wikipedia she also had a degree in creative writing. I, on the other hand, have a 20 something year old degree in graphic arts from community college and an equally impractical AA in liberal arts.
If you have read anything else in blog you might have gathered that I am a woman of faith, Christianity, and I hardly think that God who is creator of all would be limited by such a small thing as lack of formal education. Perhaps my ramblings might one day be enough for a book. Oh I am a dreamer and one who is rather lacking in the ability to employ proper punctuation.
I'm not sure that I want to write solely about weight loss, although that is certainly a major focus in my life; I do have other interests. Unlike other formerly obese people, I don't have the knowledge and not really the desire to write a how to book. Instead I would like to share my story and offer encouragement along the way. If I were to write about what I have done and continue to do for good health I might discourage readers as I have been dismayed by the tales of other big losers. To be fair, I have been inspired by Dr. Ben Lerner's "Body by God" which offers far more than weight loss advice. "My Big Fat Greek Diet" by Dr. Nick Yphantides and Mike Yorkey is a heart warming story not overbearing in the weight loss advice offered. "YOU On a Diet" by Drs. Roizen and Oz, and "Superfoods Rx" by Steven Pratt, M.D. and Kathy Matthews gave me a boost when I really needed it.
Jumping in with enthusiasm and later waining in my commitment is a fault of mine. But I have been true to my promise in marriage for nearly 24 years and this month marks 20 years of lovingly raising my children. Exercise and healthy eating have become a habit that has lasted more than 3 years. Even when I don't feel like it I am faithful to exercise 5 days a week, no excuses. My exercise partner, my dad, has kept me honest in this regard. Although my walk with the Lord has had many ups and downs I have stayed true to my faith since age 14. When it counts I can persevere. I will have to see if this new project warrants such a pledge.
Last night I indulged in junk food for the first time in more than a week. It was difficult to go without but necessary considering the lax attitude toward overeating that I have exhibited in recent weeks. I have a tendency to eat my favorite treats as though I will never have them again. Very reminiscent of the bad old days. Popcorn is a particular weakness and I tend to see a serving as a bowl, not a small one either. Today I knew I must return to healthy eating. That is the one thing I have tried to do is make the next day be healthy with no going back to the vacation foods of the previous night. It is not easy. I find that it is hard to concentrate when I am sitting in front of a table of desserts at a gathering. All I want to do is eat. Feelings of fullness are no deterrent and highly caloric foods tend not to fill me up the way my staples do making it easier to go too far. Only my resolve not to continue saves me and that is only by the grace of God.
My brother's birthday celebration will be this Sunday and the builder promises a party to commemorate the dig for my parents' new home on Monday. Temptations abound. It's hard to believe so many people are starving in a world where I eat too much. Guilt will not serve them. I need to instead put myself aside and use what blessings I have to benefit them.
Writing my weekend thoughts here may be just what I need. Putting my decisions in print for anyone to see perhaps will deter me. The other benefit is keeping my fingers busy and therefore not busying my mouth with more food. A blessing to be sure.
Goodnight fair readers.
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