Finding a purpose for my words

I'm trying to figure out just what this blog is all about. Certainly it is a place to collect my thoughts. I hope its contents will be read by others and my readers will find encouragement among these words. Comments would be most welcome and very much appreciated.

Julie Powell's blog as chronicled in the movie "Julie and Julia" and the book by the same name have inspired my efforts. As have listening to an interview and a peek at Chantel Hobb's website http://www.chantelhobbs.com/chantel/. Chantel's story is one of dramatic change through embracing a healthy lifestyle, 200 pound weight loss, and a new life encouraging others. Like Chantel, my life has been renewed through my journey of weight loss, 120 pounds to be exact, and the maintenance thereof. Julie on the other hand had a firm plan to blog for 365 days about her experience cooking the recipes from beloved chef Julia Child's "Mastering the Art of French Cooking".

Last night as I drifted off to sleep I fantasized about creating my own daily blog. "But Julie was writing about food," I thought. "And I'm just writing about...um... oh, food. Not in the same way of course. I love to eat but don't particularly enjoy preparing meals. My eldest daughter pointed out that Julie had a specific goal and made a one year commitment to herself. According to Wikipedia she also had a degree in creative writing. I, on the other hand, have a 20 something year old degree in graphic arts from community college and an equally impractical AA in liberal arts.

If you have read anything else in blog you might have gathered that I am a woman of faith, Christianity, and I hardly think that God who is creator of all would be limited by such a small thing as lack of formal education. Perhaps my ramblings might one day be enough for a book. Oh I am a dreamer and one who is rather lacking in the ability to employ proper punctuation.

I'm not sure that I want to write solely about weight loss, although that is certainly a major focus in my life; I do have other interests. Unlike other formerly obese people, I don't have the knowledge and not really the desire to write a how to book. Instead I would like to share my story and offer encouragement along the way. If I were to write about what I have done and continue to do for good health I might discourage readers as I have been dismayed by the tales of other big losers. To be fair, I have been inspired by Dr. Ben Lerner's "Body by God" which offers far more than weight loss advice. "My Big Fat Greek Diet" by Dr. Nick Yphantides and Mike Yorkey is a heart warming story not overbearing in the weight loss advice offered. "YOU On a Diet" by Drs. Roizen and Oz, and "Superfoods Rx" by Steven Pratt, M.D. and Kathy Matthews gave me a boost when I really needed it.

Jumping in with enthusiasm and later waining in my commitment is a fault of mine. But I have been true to my promise in marriage for nearly 24 years and this month marks 20 years of lovingly raising my children. Exercise and healthy eating have become a habit that has lasted more than 3 years. Even when I don't feel like it I am faithful to exercise 5 days a week, no excuses. My exercise partner, my dad, has kept me honest in this regard. Although my walk with the Lord has had many ups and downs I have stayed true to my faith since age 14. When it counts I can persevere. I will have to see if this new project warrants such a pledge.

Last night I indulged in junk food for the first time in more than a week. It was difficult to go without but necessary considering the lax attitude toward overeating that I have exhibited in recent weeks. I have a tendency to eat my favorite treats as though I will never have them again. Very reminiscent of the bad old days. Popcorn is a particular weakness and I tend to see a serving as a bowl, not a small one either. Today I knew I must return to healthy eating. That is the one thing I have tried to do is make the next day be healthy with no going back to the vacation foods of the previous night. It is not easy. I find that it is hard to concentrate when I am sitting in front of a table of desserts at a gathering. All I want to do is eat. Feelings of fullness are no deterrent and highly caloric foods tend not to fill me up the way my staples do making it easier to go too far. Only my resolve not to continue saves me and that is only by the grace of God.

My brother's birthday celebration will be this Sunday and the builder promises a party to commemorate the dig for my parents' new home on Monday. Temptations abound. It's hard to believe so many people are starving in a world where I eat too much. Guilt will not serve them. I need to instead put myself aside and use what blessings I have to benefit them.

Writing my weekend thoughts here may be just what I need. Putting my decisions in print for anyone to see perhaps will deter me. The other benefit is keeping my fingers busy and therefore not busying my mouth with more food. A blessing to be sure.

Goodnight fair readers.

Honesty and a dose of encouragement

I'm feeling better today about the whole weight thing. I was down 2.4 pounds at TOPS last night. I know that those of you who forget to eat (which has never happened to me) don't understand the whole .4 added on. But let me tell you if you needed to lose weight and you only lost .4 you would be glad for the increments of less than a pound that would count as an actual loss. This is important stuff to us losers (weight losers that is).

I heard a great radio program on Focus On the Family with guest Chantel Hobbs. After visiting her website however, she lost nearly 200 pounds, and learning that she can lift more weight at the gym than I can I felt discouraged. But I went to the gym and picked up heavier weights than I normally do and I lifted them! That was a good feeling. But what feels even better is writing down my thoughts with the hope that, like Chantel, I can help others.

I've begun to notice a pattern among people who have lost a lot of weight. There is a tendency, and I include myself in this, to think that we have the answers and we enthusiastically share them with others. We tend to be as gung ho about exercise as we used to be about our favorite junk food. It's not enough to walk a couple of miles a day, no we have to continue to live large and run marathons or finish an Ironman. I was trying to remember the Ironman name and my daughter who supplied it said it could also be referred to as a suicide triathalon. I have to chuckle because if I don't laugh about life I would go crazy. Hmmm, maybe I already am.

I just keep thinking about the things I've read about people who have lost a lot of weight. "Wow they've made a fantastic achievement, we have something in common, I just can't wait to read their story," I think. Every time I wish I hadn't. They always have achieved something more than I have and I feel inferior. It is rarely uplifting. I have even had the bizarre thought that maybe I should regain the weight plus a lot more and then lose it all and have a story to beat all stories. That really is crazy.

Okay, so now you know that I think some strange thoughts. You may not be willing to admit it but I'll bet you think things you wouldn't want anyone to know about. Hiding the truth can hurt us more than sharing it. I hear people say things like, "It must have been that potato I ate this week that made me gain weight." Stop! It wasn't the potato, unless maybe it was loaded with sour cream and butter. I didn't gain 5 pounds in the last month and say, "I just don't understand it, I've been eating so healthfully." Boloney, I've gone back to the old, bad habits that got me to 270 pounds in the first place. I often struggle with overeating healthy foods too. My problems with food are not over, and they probably never will be, but I am not going to give up. I like Chantel Hobbs idea of taking it one day at a time. That's all I can face. If I have to think of being healthy every day for life it's too much. It's overwhelming.

I've come to the point where the word healthy seems like vulgarity. It sounds like a punishment. I am glad I have good health and I want to keep it but I feel like I need a new word to describe it. I guess it's not easy to limit myself to just one word. That is obvious judging by the length of my posts.

Getting back to all those weight loss success stories. Maybe you feel that if they can do it so can you, and you can. But maybe you feel like you could never achieve what they have and why even bother. If those stories discourage me, a person who has lost a lot of weight, how must it feel to be the person who is carrying a lot of extra weight.

Being okay with who I am does not come easily to me and perhaps not to you either but don't give up. I can offer many ideas about what works for me but I cannot guarantee that any of them will work for you. Sometimes hearing other people's ideas only serves to help me determine what won't work for me. I enjoy running but when I mention that to others they usually say they have bad knees or something like that. My brother runs so he can be in shape for volleyball or tennis. I would be a couch potato if those were the only sports that I could employ to keep fit. My doctor says, "Find something you enjoy, or at least don't hate, and do that for exercise." Forget low carb, I love carbs; I usually eat whole grain but it's still a lot more carbs than one diet offers on the carb splurge day. Eggs for breakfast, no thank you I'll take oatmeal instead. For a friend low carb is the way to go but neither of us is wrong because we have found what works for us.

I finally realized that just being more active in my day helps me keep my weight down. It only took me 3 winters of stuggling to goal and 2 summers of not struggling to realize that it was more everyday activity, and not certain exercises, that were making the difference. I work out hard all year round but when it's dark and cold at 5PM I just don't move as much as when it's warm and light in the evenings, duh. So just move more and be surprised.

Okay, there I go giving weight loss advice that may be annoying. The best advice I can give is that you are a person of worth and that you deserve to be taken care of. If you think you don't have time to take care of yourself remember that in order to have the energy to love and care for others you have to do something to restore that energy. I like the book title "Life Is Hard Food is Easy" by Linda Spangle. I haven't read it but it's true.

Many people talk about how if they did what they wanted they would waste their time on various things that really don't sound like a waste of time. I think I would sleep and eat junk because that's easy. But that's what I used to do and I was miserable. For the moment I was eating I felt some joy but it was short lived. So I make the effort each day to get up and do things that aren't as easy as sleeping in or eating comfort foods. But my life is much better for the effort. Do the hard thing and live life, love yourself, and find joy. You are worth it.

The birth of a blog

I just typed my heart out and managed to lose my thoughts in cyberspace, or at least I think I did. They're probably hanging out with all the songs I accidently erased from my iPod.

I was writing about my recent discouragement with weight loss. I have lost 120 pounds and maintained a healthy weight for almost 2 years but I am struggling. When I turned to the very stories I thought would inspire me I felt even more frustrated. It seems that those success stories put mine to shame. They are stories of women who have lost more weight, acheived a smaller size, work out longer, lift more weight, run faster and farther, and eat fewer calories than I do; and some of them are older than I am.

I do eat healthfully most of the time but sometimes I eat more healthy food than I am hungry for just because it's on my plate or in my bowl. Or maybe I just want to eat rather than busy myself with other things because it's easier. I eat a lot of vegetables because it satisfies my need to eat a lot while helping me to maintain my weight. So I could weigh less but I don't think I could stick with it. I might even end up totally blowing it by going off the deep end, into a bucket of popcorn perhaps, because my unrealistic expectations set me up for failure.

Sometimes I feel like I've got the problem licked. I get cocky, eat too much, and find myself out of my leeway (more than 3 pounds above goal in TOPS/Take Off Pounds Sensibly). Thank God for TOPS or I would be well on my way to gaining back what I have lost. It's hard enough to get a few pounds off I never want to have to face over 100 pounds of excess weight again.

It's important that I say this is not about looking like I did before. Certainly I don't want to go back to my highest weight, but more than anything else it's the feeling of despair and hopelessness that I don't want to experience again. Once I began living the healthy lifestyle that got me to goal I felt every bit as good as I did when I reached my goal because I no longer felt hopeless.

I think of how Paul asked God to take away the thorn and God said, "My grace is sufficient for you" 2 Corinthians 12:9. I realize that if I didn't have this struggle with food anymore than I wouldn't be able to help other people who struggle. I'd think I had it all together and would judge people for not having it all together too. That would not be helpful to anyone. And so it is a good thing that I can still relate very well to struggling with food.

Let me share a low moment with you. I remember once longing to eat the cream cheese frosting that lay in a discarded container that had once held a piece of carrot cake. My son had hoped to spare me the temptation by quickly polishing off the cake but then I discovered the clear container of frosting at the top of the garbage can. Now I know there are people that are utterly repulsed by the thought that anyone would remove a container from the garbage and eat from it, rest assured I did not do it. But I felt vindicated when I saw a clip from Seinfeld in which George Castanza was caught eating an eclair he had retrieved from the garbage can. In his defense he pointed out that it was only laying on some discarded magazines. So there are others out there that can relate to disordered thinking as it applies to food.

One thing that helps me when I feel inferior is this thought from Galatians 6:4 MSG: "Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that...Don't compare yourself with others." So it really isn't about what someone else achieves it's about doing the best that I can do. If only walking that truth out came as easily as the saying of it does.

The other thing that would help me is to actually talk to other people who are struggling with the same thoughts and are willing to be honest. I am often encouraged by others that know my story. Many people say that I have inspired them. I suppose many people would think I'm silly for having these thoughts but perhaps there is someone out there who can relate and needs to know that he or she is not alone.

If you are reading this and thinking that if you could only be a certain size or a certain weight then you would be happy please don't put your life on hold any longer. As you can see from what I've written, all my problems didn't magically disappear when I reached that magic number. Eventually I began to feel the number wasn't low enough but in fact it turned out to be too low for me to realistically maintain and I raised my goal 5 pounds.

I like how Dr. Ben Lerner puts it in his book "Body By God". He says you don't have to have it all figured out in one day. Just strive to be one percent better for God every day. In Philippians 3: 13-14 Paul says, "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. So in God's word he says we must strain and press on. Those are words that indicate effort. It isn't going to be easy but we are getting a wonderful prize at the end. The prize will far outweigh the struggle and so I press on and hope that I can encourage others along the way.