Weighing In

This morning I was reading the chapter "Try Something New" in Joyce Meyer's book Never Give Up. The verse from Romans 12:2-3 came to mind. "Do not be conformed any longer to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-his good, pleasing, and perfect will."

I was talking to the Lord about my food struggles of late and wondering why I was able to be so disciplined a year ago and I am failing miserably now. I know it isn't His will for me to be regaining the weight I've lost and it isn't His will for me to be so focused on food. It seemed the Lord was saying, "You're struggling so much because you were doing it in your own strength for a while and you ran out of strength. Now do it in my strength because you can never use that up." Whoa, did God say that? When those thoughts come to mind I just know that I'm not smart enough to come up with them so it has to be the Spirit speaking to my heart.

It gets better. Suddenly this morning as I was reading the thought comes to me, "You're thinking like the Israelites in the desert. God gave them manna and they were complaining. God gave them the best food ever and they were tired of it." Then I realized, "God has given me the best food ever and I have the same attitude." I heard a woman speak on weight loss (she too had lost a lot of weight) and she talked about those prepared foods that we love so much being designed by chef Satan to tempt us when we want to put good food in our bodies but at the same time crave junk food. Just like Eve in the garden of Eden, Satan has me thinking that I am missing out and he is getting my eyes off of all that God has for me. That is not to say that there isn't ever a time that I can have treats that fall under the man-made food category rather than the God made.

Now let's not get legalistic here. I realize that much of our food supply has been altered and that even things as close to their original source as possible (think fruits and vegetables) aren't quite what God gave us. But we live in a fallen world where nothing is quite what God gave us so it's the best we have and God will honor our use of it. Certainly a fresh apple is less tampered with than a doughnut.

This is where the renewing of the mind, or the new way of thinking, comes in. So next time I want a treat and I know it hasn't been very long since I've had one I need to remember what God showed me this morning. I need to use that renewed thinking to keep me on God's path so I don't find that lost weight. I'm sure I could benefit from some changes. It's probably time to rethink my plan. Maybe I need to add some different healthy foods to my diet or try the frequent small meals concept.

I need to do something different because I know that God did not direct me to lose 120 pounds only to gain it back again. I know God has something planned for me that requires the maintenance of this weight loss. I'm not sure yet what He has planned but I know He will show me when He knows I am ready. God has already used the weight loss for His glory but I know He has so much more. I need to keep that in sight when I am tempted to indulge in the immediate gratification of junk food rather than waiting on the better things God has for me or when I grumble because I feel deprived when others are eating junk.

At church yesterday we sang the chorus "More love, more power, more of you in my life." Our speaker (Dr. Duane Durst, Assemblies of God Lakeshore District superintendent-there to officially install our new pastor) said his version is "More love, more power, less of me in Your way." He said we already have all the Jesus we need it's just that we stand in the way of Jesus working in our lives. But God doesn't force us to get out of the way because of His great love for us He allows us to choose. The problem is our short sightedness. We think standing in God's way is us exercising our freedom but if we had a God's eyeview of our lives we would see that walking in our version of freedom is actually a bondage. Aren't we just like kids? How often do parents watch as their kids make the same mistakes they made knowing that experience is the best teacher. God knows what's best for us if we just trust Him. It's easier said than done but I know what I'm doing now isn't working so it's time to try it God's way.

Sometimes God calms the storms, sometimes He calms us in the storm.

I feel bloated and uncomfortable and my weight is at a scary high. I'm afraid that I won't be able to get it back down, that I will be humiliated in front of my TOPS group. A year ago I was celebrating receiving an award for losing the most weight of all the women in NY State who reached their goal in TOPS in 2008. Now I'm in danger of losing my KOPS (Keep Off Pounds Sensibly) status. Sometimes I wish it would just happen and be done.

I've heard that most of the things we fear never come to pass. I thought that after last week when I was more than 3 pounds above my goal I would be able to be more disciplined. I did much better last week but it seems my weight is up again. I thought I was having a pretty good week but I guess I'm fooling myself. I will probably have to do the thing I dislike and write down what I eat for a week. In the past I've had to get out the measuring cups and reacquaint myself with portion sizes. It's amazing how that half cup of yogurt can gradually become three-quarters of a cup. I need to get back to leaner dinners too. The exercise is not the issue it's the food. I've come so far and encouraged so many people I feel like I'd be letting people down and most of all I'd be letting myself down.

The other danger is that a result of discouragement and embarrassment would be that I drop out of TOPS and that I would gain the weight back. Several people have found themselves in the position of being up a few extra pounds and have lost their honored KOPS status but continue to attend meetings. If they can do it I can too. I know that they will still love me but can I accept myself. Too many people lose and regain large amounts of weight. I absolutely do not want this to be my story. Food needs to be a healthy part of my life not the unhealthy focus it is becoming once again. I have to trust that I can get back to where I want to be.

Raising my goal 5 pounds was necessary because it was just too hard to maintain my original goal in the less active winter months. The last 2 winters have proved that. But to raise my goal again would only give me permission to eat and gain more. I have to stop this now. As Susan Powter says, "Stop the insanity!"

For readers who do not share my spiritual beliefs the following thoughts may seem bizarre. I believe in spiritual battles. Satan is the author of evil and wants to beat down and destroy people. He knows that once a person has accepted Jesus as their saviour that he cannot keep them from heaven. However, he does have limited power to tempt Christians and to make life difficult, even miserable. Satan can't stand it that God has gotten a hold of my heart and given me the strength to turn my life around and lose 120 pounds. I have been able to share my story about the goodness of God and inspire hope in others. Satan does not want others to hear this message. He could really destroy my confidence and my opportunity to reach out to others by drawing me back into addictive behaviors with food. It is up to me to decide whether food or God's will is more important to me. I know God will love me no matter what but I also know that He has something better for me than returning to my highest weight.

Like any loving parent God does allow His children to suffer pain at times. Difficulties make us stronger and turn our hearts back to the One who loves us and wants what best for us. Sometimes we run away like defiant children but our Heavenly Father lovingly restores us when we are ready to let Him.

Recently I read the scripture from Luke 22:31 in which Jesus tells Peter, "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat." Jesus follows with, "But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back strengthen your brothers." I sensed that God was warning me that this would happen to me. At first I was scared that something really bad would happen but then it occurred to me that I would be tested in the area of weight. Simon Peter needed to base his ministry on God's strength and not his own. He was confident in the things he had done in the past like walking on water but that was not enough on which to base a life and a ministry. Peter went on to win many souls for Christ and live mightily for God. I desire to reach out to many for God too and I know that I need to learn that it is God's strength and not my own that sustains me. I cling to that knowledge as I walk this difficult journey. The valley is low and I am in it. I need God to pick me up and see me through. When I came to the end of myself in the past I ended up finding the strength to lose the weight. I have to trust that the ability to get through this trial will come through the Father who loves me but the struggle is still difficult and painful. God is faithful and I put my trust in Him. Tomorrow is a new day and I will wake with the hope that I will be better for God in this area then I have been today. To God be the glory.

The birth of a blog

I just typed my heart out and managed to lose my thoughts in cyberspace, or at least I think I did. They're probably hanging out with all the songs I accidently erased from my iPod.

I was writing about my recent discouragement with weight loss. I have lost 120 pounds and maintained a healthy weight for almost 2 years but I am struggling. When I turned to the very stories I thought would inspire me I felt even more frustrated. It seems that those success stories put mine to shame. They are stories of women who have lost more weight, acheived a smaller size, work out longer, lift more weight, run faster and farther, and eat fewer calories than I do; and some of them are older than I am.

I do eat healthfully most of the time but sometimes I eat more healthy food than I am hungry for just because it's on my plate or in my bowl. Or maybe I just want to eat rather than busy myself with other things because it's easier. I eat a lot of vegetables because it satisfies my need to eat a lot while helping me to maintain my weight. So I could weigh less but I don't think I could stick with it. I might even end up totally blowing it by going off the deep end, into a bucket of popcorn perhaps, because my unrealistic expectations set me up for failure.

Sometimes I feel like I've got the problem licked. I get cocky, eat too much, and find myself out of my leeway (more than 3 pounds above goal in TOPS/Take Off Pounds Sensibly). Thank God for TOPS or I would be well on my way to gaining back what I have lost. It's hard enough to get a few pounds off I never want to have to face over 100 pounds of excess weight again.

It's important that I say this is not about looking like I did before. Certainly I don't want to go back to my highest weight, but more than anything else it's the feeling of despair and hopelessness that I don't want to experience again. Once I began living the healthy lifestyle that got me to goal I felt every bit as good as I did when I reached my goal because I no longer felt hopeless.

I think of how Paul asked God to take away the thorn and God said, "My grace is sufficient for you" 2 Corinthians 12:9. I realize that if I didn't have this struggle with food anymore than I wouldn't be able to help other people who struggle. I'd think I had it all together and would judge people for not having it all together too. That would not be helpful to anyone. And so it is a good thing that I can still relate very well to struggling with food.

Let me share a low moment with you. I remember once longing to eat the cream cheese frosting that lay in a discarded container that had once held a piece of carrot cake. My son had hoped to spare me the temptation by quickly polishing off the cake but then I discovered the clear container of frosting at the top of the garbage can. Now I know there are people that are utterly repulsed by the thought that anyone would remove a container from the garbage and eat from it, rest assured I did not do it. But I felt vindicated when I saw a clip from Seinfeld in which George Castanza was caught eating an eclair he had retrieved from the garbage can. In his defense he pointed out that it was only laying on some discarded magazines. So there are others out there that can relate to disordered thinking as it applies to food.

One thing that helps me when I feel inferior is this thought from Galatians 6:4 MSG: "Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that...Don't compare yourself with others." So it really isn't about what someone else achieves it's about doing the best that I can do. If only walking that truth out came as easily as the saying of it does.

The other thing that would help me is to actually talk to other people who are struggling with the same thoughts and are willing to be honest. I am often encouraged by others that know my story. Many people say that I have inspired them. I suppose many people would think I'm silly for having these thoughts but perhaps there is someone out there who can relate and needs to know that he or she is not alone.

If you are reading this and thinking that if you could only be a certain size or a certain weight then you would be happy please don't put your life on hold any longer. As you can see from what I've written, all my problems didn't magically disappear when I reached that magic number. Eventually I began to feel the number wasn't low enough but in fact it turned out to be too low for me to realistically maintain and I raised my goal 5 pounds.

I like how Dr. Ben Lerner puts it in his book "Body By God". He says you don't have to have it all figured out in one day. Just strive to be one percent better for God every day. In Philippians 3: 13-14 Paul says, "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. So in God's word he says we must strain and press on. Those are words that indicate effort. It isn't going to be easy but we are getting a wonderful prize at the end. The prize will far outweigh the struggle and so I press on and hope that I can encourage others along the way.