Food Fight

Last night I went to bed early and missed out on blogging. It was a blessing because I really felt like eating but did not since escaped the draw of the kitchen.

Things that haven't bothered me in a long time seem to be a problem again. It has been so long since I craved chips of any sort with subs but last night I felt like I was missing out. Longing for salty foods has never been my thing before. Sometimes when I've had a lot of sweets I might want something savory but not often.

I just don't get it. What I can now relate to is the caution that weight maintenance is difficult. My doctor jokes, "Losing weight is the easy part, it's maintaining that's the hard part." People invariably look at me with puzzled glances when I repeat these words of wisdom. The point, of course, is that once the weight is lost, which is very difficult to be sure, the hard work of maintenance begins. Presumably those who lose weight will maintain that loss for life which is likely to be longer than the period required to establish the initial loss.

Sometimes I wonder if I lost brain cells along with pounds. At times I behave as though I don't need to be vigilant anymore. Hey, now that I've reached goal I've got it made; I don't need to watch what I eat anymore the problem is solved. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? But that is how I act. The scale quickly brings me back to reality. If it weren't for weighing in at TOPS I know I would deceive myself into thinking that I would get my weight down tomorrow and that day would never come. I would, no doubt, be regaining the weight. So if you are losing weight and envying those who are at goal keep in mind that we still have to work at it too. Again my wise doctor told me that he has talked to people who have been adicted to drugs, cigarettes, and food and the latter was the hardest habit to break.

My doctor confirmed for me that my approach to food constitutes addiction and I know recovering addicts must be vigilant. Three and a half years of pursuing good health has taught me a great deal. Certainly I will always be a student when it comes to disordered eating but I have also begun to become a teacher as I share what I know with others. I do not feel bitter about this in the least. When I'm feeling low I wish I didn't have to struggle but most of the time I am thankful. Pain is not pleasant but most will agree that the times of greatest growth in life are born of adversity. The ability to comfort others comes from receiving comfort.

Remembering how far I've come and thinking of the people I've inspired can also help me get back on track. Sometimes I joke that I should paint the KOPS (Keep Off Pounds Sensibly) pledge in big letters on my refrigerator. Not that the fridge holds all my problem foods but it's in the room where the food is.

"Don't buy it," you say. One of my biggest downfalls is popcorn. Unfortunately not the 100 calorie microwave kind, no thanks. Either movie theater or or homemade. Portion, isn't that just a giant bowl full? You get the idea. I can't totally give it up because I enjoy it so much. When I limit it to one big bowl a week and no more I'm okay but I've had a few weeks of going beyond that. Along with a few weeks of not saying no to things like Dunkin' Donuts' chai tea (love it) more than once a week and goodies my family has that I normally don't. I've tried not to make this their thing. Forcing someone to diet usually has the opposite effect of the one intended. I don't usually have much of a problem saying no when I know it's not my splurge day. I usually have a splurge twice a week. So that might be a dessert and a meal generally not on the same day. But I think my splurges have been a too big lately and as I said too often. As the weather improves and I am busier this will become less of an issue. This blog is helping to keep my hands busy which is a good thing and thinking about food and the feelings that relate to it instead of eating it is another positive.

My daughter reminded me that I could eat what the rest of the family eats if I am willing to weigh what they weigh. Good point, I am not. I would feel uncomfortable at a higher weight and I think it would just give me an excuse to eat more and then climb to a higher weight yet. I think this is the right weight for me at this time in my life. She actually reminded me of another way of thinking that I have relied on in the past to help me. I know that I can eat whatever I want but the trade off is that I may gain weight. I have to decide which is more important to me, the food or the loss. The answer varies but right now I think I would prefer the loss.

Tomorrow night will be a challenge as my large extended family gathers to celebrate my brother Jim's birthday. The desserts will be out and it's hard for me to concentrate on anything else even if they do get removed from the table. I'm thinking I'll bring along the dishcloth I've started knitting with the intention of busying my hands while our family was enjoying a movie. Monday the builder will break ground on my parent's new home and throws a party for all who attend. I want to be there and my parents have invited me. These things have not been big issues in the past. I like the one day at a time approach and will comfort myself with the thought that after Tuesday's weigh in I start a new week and can once again plan my treat.

I strongly believe that things happen for a reason and that God sometimes allows circumstances to get my attention. I've been wanting to focus on reading some good books that beckon from my bookshelf. Sinking into the couch in front of television and eating is easy but unrewarding. Like exercise which I often have to convince myself to start I need to just do it when it comes to the reading too. How much better I'll feel just as I do when I'm logging my feelings here.

I was beginning to get concerned that I was battling depression once again. But so many things bring me joy and a smile to my face. Those things are not true when I'm in a depression. Late winter and the beginning of daylight savings time could certainly explain my struggles. As can the unexpected loss of my job last month. I'm enjoying the time of rest and being able to spend more time with my family. Last fall I worked full time, I had been at home for a few years since my girls left public school to complete their studies at home. But they work independently and we needed the money. As apple season drew to a close so did my farm market employment. A local gym, the same one that awarded me a free one year membership as the winner of their fitness/weight loss contest, added me to their staff. Unfortunately I lacked the speed and sales skills for the busy new year. It was an amicable parting of the ways. My boss was kind in the way he handled the situation, he encouraged me with some very positive feedback and an offer of a good reference. The first few days after that loss were difficult. I gave the job my best and it was a blow to my ego but I am able to go and enjoy the gym just as I have in the past which is evidence of the fact that things ended well.

Hopefully I will soon begin teaching SilverSneakers exercise classes to seniors in our community. I had the opportunity to teach 3 classes and found I really enjoy working with the participants. It's funny that I once thought my gift was teaching children but through teaching adult Sunday school and working with older adults at the gym and at the farm market I've come to realize that my strengths are better used with adults.

Today my girls and I went to a beach on the shores of Lake Ontario. It was a brisk day with winds whipping our hair as my younger daughter and I ran across the sand and played on the playground. My daughter is 13 and I am 44 but we had a wonderful time none the less. Such joys are particularly sweet when I think of how I could not have easily done these things a few years ago. We froliced until our fingers were numb and then drove home with my older daughter who preferred to read in the car. The lake is fun any time of year and a late winter or early spring jaunt is worth the effort. A dear friend really taught me to appreciate nature. God's creation has the power to refresh the body and the spirit. What a wonderful gift.